SuperHero Lunchbox

Teacher, Teacher

2012-02-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, I received a phone call from an old friend...a woman who's been a school teacher in the public school system for over 20 yrs. As soon as I heard the crack in Sue's voice, I knew something was wrong.

"I've had a terrible day," she said, "One of my former students killed himself, today. Thirteen years old. He got hold of his father's shotgun and blew his head off. Thirteen years old, Lana."

There is really nothing I can say about this tragedy that wouldn't be stating the obvious: it's horrible, it's sad, it's disturbing. I feel for this boy and for his loved ones. But I'm not here to write about him - I didn't even know him. His story, and how I found out about it, moved me to write about something that's been on my mind a lot, lately: the role teachers play in the lives of children.

I wonder if this boy had any idea that his tragic death would have such a profound effect on his former teacher? I wonder if he realized that someone thought about him, cared for him, and would mourn him in such a way? I wonder if he had any idea that, long after the school bell had rung - and even long after the school year had ended - his teacher would be thinking about him, wondering how he was doing, wishing him well? Not every teacher does this, and even the ones who do, probably don't with every student. They're human beings, after all, not saints.

A good teacher, though, a great teacher, can have an incredible impact on the life of a student. A few weeks ago, I was discussing this with my friend, Heidi (a teacher, herself.) I told Heidi about one of my favorite teachers, Ms. R - the 5th grade teacher who had the vision to introduce a room full of 9 and10 yr old "gifted' children to poetry not only on the page, but on vinyl. Ms. R started us out early in the school year by giving us rexograph copies of Edward Arlington Robinson's Richard Cory. We read the poem, and discussed it at length. We spent a whole session of Language Arts (what they called reading/English at the elementary school I attended) on this one poem. Ms. R didn't explain what the poem meant, but asked us to explain it to her, in our own words. There were no wrong answers - just different interpretations. (You may think this is a fairly straightforward poem to dedicate a whole afternoon to discussing: keep in mind that we were 9 and10 yrs old, this was our first foray, EVER, into reading poetry. It was an ambitious undertaking.) We loved it. The next day, Ms. R showed up with an old and very worn record album - her personal copy of Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence. She put the record on one of those big, portable record players that was in every classroom in the 70s, and played their version of Richard Cory, introducing us - a class full of 9 and 10 yr olds - to the idea that poetry didn't just live on the page, that poets could tell their stories in different ways, that music - even pop music - mattered.

It was a revelation. It changed everything for me. It is not an exaggeration to say that Ms. R was the first person to make me see that writing could carry weight, that it was a worthy pursuit.

This is just one example of how special a teacher she was. When I told Heidi about Ms. R - how much she'd meant to me, how I'd never forgotten that she once called my parents and gotten permission to take me with her to The Metropolitan Museum of Art on a Saturday, just because she wanted to, and how I wished I could thank her, all these years later, for all she'd she'd done, for all that her care and attention had meant to me - Heidi replied, "You've got to find her. Google her. Find her and tell her everything you're telling me."

And that's what I did. Hoping that Ms. R would somehow still be involved in education, even though she might well be at or past retirement age by now, I Googled her somewhat common name combined with "NYC public schools." Bingo. There she was....still involved with the public school system...now training young men and women how to integrate the arts into the classroom experience. How fitting. I sent Ms. R the following email, hoping against hope that it didn't sound corny or stupid, and figuring the worst that would happen would be getting no reply:

I'm writing in the hopes that you're the KR who taught at PS 321 in Brooklyn during the late 70s. If not, I'm sorry to bother you. If you are that KR, I'm glad to have found you, because I've always wanted to tell you what a difference you made in my life.

I don't expect you to remember me, but I was a 5th grade student in 1977, and you were one of my teachers. A great teacher. As a child, I took it for granted that every other child had a teacher who really cared and made an effort to keep things interesting, welcomed curiosity, and encouraged critical thinking. As an adult, I know better.

A week ago, I heard Simon and Garfunkle's Richard Cory on the radio, and immediately thought about sitting in your classroom, reading E.A.R.'s poem, and listening to S&G's version of it. I asked one of my friends from childhood, who was also in your class, if he remembered you and the poetry you introduced us to. William Carlos Williams. Percy Shelley. Vachel Lindsay. Langston Hughes. Robert Frost. Sure enough, his memories of that time were just as clear as mine, and just as fond. We talked about what a really special teacher you'd been, how lucky we'd been to have had the experience of being in your class. And more - I'll never forget that you once took me to the Met on your own time. On your day off. It was my first time going to the Met, and it changed my life. The Met became one of my favorite places in NYC, thanks to you. Thank you so much for that, and for so many things. The gifts you gave me 35 yrs ago are still precious to me.

At any rate, I hope I've reached the right KR, because the KR who taught at PS 321 in 1977 really should know that the time and effort she put into working with a room full of ten year olds made a world of difference.

Corny? Maybe a little, but all true, so what the hell? I was thrilled, then, to receive this reply (note: names and specifics have been deleted for privacy) a few hours later:

Dear Lana, You have indeed reached the right person…and I am typing with a big lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. I have never, ever received a note/message/email like this!

I have always loved teaching and the word “rewarding” doesn’t even begin to cover how I would describe your note, Lana. I have very fond memories of teaching at PS 321…it was really an incredible school…I didn’t even mind being in the mini-school!

I am presently working for (education-related agency) but the best part of my job is visiting schools and, because I really still love teaching, conducting workshops for teachers….I have one tomorrow…at the Met of course! It is really my home away from home…I also volunteer in the Nolen Library at the Met around once or twice a month.

But I would like to know more about you, Lana! Please write back.

Thank you so much for being thoughtful enough to write to me and share all of this. It means more than you could possibly imagine!

All the best and write back,KR

To say that this made my day would be putting it mildly. It's immensely satisfying to be able to thank someone for such wonderful gifts 35 yrs after the fact. I didn't even realize, when I was 9 or 10, that there was anything I needed to thank this wonderful person for. That she so naturally and seemingly without effort gave us so much is part of what made her an outstanding teacher. As a 10 yr old, I didn't know how rare an opportunity I'd been granted. I'm so glad that, as a 45 yr old, I've been able to voice it and give thanks where thanks have been long overdue.

Teaching can be something of a thankless profession. Pathetic salaries, not much respect from the public, overcrowded classrooms, difficult parents, problem children, supply shortages, budget cuts.....yet good people still choose teaching as a profession. A good teacher can make a huge difference. I'd urge anyone who has a memory of a special teacher to make the effort to thank them. I can tell you, first hand, how good it feels to successfully deliver that "thank you," and to find out that it doesn't fall on deaf ears. You may be surprised at how satisfying it can be to say "thanks."

And, to answer the inevitable question, yes - I've written back.

Blog for Choice 2012

2012-01-22T09:34:00.000-08:00

My sister is probably my best friend. We were not close growing up. In fact, we did not like each other very much when we were kids. The six year gap in our ages may account for some of our problems. We also have very different personalities. She's always been very social and easy-going with people. I've always been more comfortable around books and ideas. She was always a rebel and a bad girl. I was the good girl in the family - going to school, rarely defying our parents. We clashed. We argued. Neither of us thought much of the other. This - our relationship - all changed when she became a mother, and we became as close as two sisters can be.

In 1995, when my sister was 22 and I was 28, my sister came to me and asked for help. This was something she didn't ever really do because, as I've said, we didn't get along. It was a big deal for either of us to ask help from the other.

She came to me and said, "I need help. I think I'm pregnant. I guess I know I'm pregnant. I need help."

I answered, "Pregnant? Are you insane? You can't even bring yourself to wake up at a reasonable time in the morning and hold down a job - there's no way you're can be responsible for a baby. You're a baby, yourself. You seriously have to consider an abortion."

To my surprise she said, "I know. I agree. I think I want an abortion, but I'm scared to even find out about it. You're good at finding things out. Can you find out where I can get one, how much it costs, what I have to do? Please help me out. I wouldn't ask if it weren't important."

I promised to get her the information that day, saying to myself, "She's not even enough of a grownup to find out the damned phone number for Planned Parenthood, so there's no way she can even consider being a parent."

The next day, my sister came home from her visit to Planned Parenthood and sat down with me and our mother. Our mother was great about speaking openly about these issues. She was pro-choice and believed women needed to know about their options. She raised us to know about these things: sex, birth control, abortion rights. She raised us to know that having an abortion was absolutely a choice, and absolutely a choice that was acceptable. In her early 40s, she'd had her own pregnancy scare. Her days of having babies were long over. It turned out that she wasn't pregnant but, when she thought she might be, she'd been completely honest with me: her plan was to abort the pregnancy. She hadn't planned on having children past the age of 30. She'd taken precautions. If she was pregnant, it was because her birth control had failed. She was already a grandmother (by my older sister) and this was no time to start over with motherhood. Most importantly: she just didn't want another baby. As it turned out, our mother hadn't been pregnant that time, but it had meant a lot to me that she'd been so frank about the situation.

When my sister sat us down, she explained to us that she'd been to Planned Parenthood, talked about her options, discussed the situation with the father of her unborn baby, and decided that abortion was just not for her. She couldn't do it, but she felt sure she could be a good parent. Her boyfriend was on board 100%, and actually very excited about the idea of being a father. She'd made her choice, and we had to accept it. That's what we did. In my head, I switched from thinking about this stupid mistake my sister had made, to thinking, "There will be a baby here in 7 or 8 months, and that baby is my niece or nephew. She's made her choice and the best thing I can do - the only thing I can do - is accept and support it."

In a flash, my sister made changes in her life. She set up house with her boyfriend. She became immersed in the business of keeping healthy and planning for parenthood. Her social life ceased to be her priority as she began nesting.

In my heart, I started to really look forward to the idea of a new baby. I love babies. My whole family loves babies. We tend to gather around a new baby and treat him like a king. It's the one area where we all agree: babies are amazing - a treasure. A few weeks after my sister had made her big announcement, I was walking home from work and saw a lovely, little hand-made baby hat in a store window. It looked like the top of a tomato, with an erect tassel for the stem. It was made of soft, merino wool - perfect for a newborn's delicate skin. I bought it and brought it home to my sister, casually dropping it on the table, where she sat reading a book about pregnancy and exercise. She looked up and asked, "What's this?"

I answered, "It's for your baby."

"You bought a present for my baby?" she asked, incredulously. "You don't even like me."

"Your baby is going to be my nephew. I like him. Of course I got him a present." I said.

Everything changed between us at that moment. The idea of that new baby changed me as much as it changed my sister. I warmed up to her. She warmed up to me. We started behaving like friends, instead of enemies. We started to feel for one another the way sisters should feel, if they're really lucky. It's really amazing what the idea of a new baby can do to and for people.

When my nephew, Derrick, was born, I was among the first to rush to the hospital to hold him. He was beautiful. I fell in love at first sight. My sister and her boyfriend asked if I would be his godmother. Yes, they knew I was gay, and that the Catholic church didn't technically allow homosexuals to baptize babies, but they didn't care what the church said - I was their first and only choice...the person they wanted to entrust with the care of their precious baby should anything happen to them. I promise you this really happened, and that I haven't lifted it from a Lifetime movie.

I am so glad my sister had her baby. He was a wonderful baby. He's now a wonderful young man. I couldn't love him more if her were my own son. I've told him many times, over the years, that one of the reasons he's special to me is that he brought me and my sister together, when it seemed nothing would. In so many ways, he worked miracles.

So, I'm glad my sister made the choice to have her baby. But I'm so damned glad she had the choice to make, and that it wasn't made for her. When she made the decision to go to term with this pregnancy, it was an informed choice, and she made it, in part, after talking to Planned Parenthood about her many options. In retrospect, I'm glad she didn't opt for an abortion, but I thank God that abortion was an option for her....that she didn't feel trapped....that our mother and grandmother believed in speaking openly and non-judgmentally about choice. Every woman has the right to make these choices for and about her own body, about her own health, about her own future, for herself.

The Moment Of Happiness

2012-01-21T13:47:00.001-08:00

I've had a hell of month. In late December, I had a serious health scare...what should have been a routine nose bleed turned into this major production. Blood shooting out of my nose and mouth like an open faucet. Gag reflex going into effect. Struggles for air. Phone calls to nurses. 24 hours of steady bleeding, racing heart, fear, anxiety, no sleep, dread.

I live alone. It occurred to me, "What if I die like this...in a pool of my own blood? It could take days for anyone to miss me. I'd be found on my bloody carpet, half dressed, my already decomposing body covered in dried blood and vomit. People would see that my bathroom needs a cleaning, that lots of the socks and underwear in my dresser have holes in them, that my fridge has nothing in it but a frozen pizza, three jars of mustard, and a bag of wilted lettuce. That I was watching a Law & Order marathon when death came to take me away. How pathetic."

The events that set me on this course of thinking also set me on a course to a doctor, to find out why the hell my nose had bled for 24 hrs straight. My HMO assigned me to an incredibly dreamy ENT. 25, maybe 26. Drop-dead gorgeous. Charming. Soft-spoken. For whatever reason, she talked to me as if I were a precious, scared baby, instead of a 44 year old woman with a NY accent. My nose was fine, she told me - just dry. I should stop scratching it, rubbing it, picking at it, and blowing it. All things I'm guilty of. It's itchy, it's dry, I have a lifelong history of sinus pressure and congestion. I mess with my nose a lot. I couldn't do that, anymore, Dr. Dreamy informed me. Oh, and one more thing, my blood pressure was dangerously high. I needed to see my primary doctor ASAP, and I should consider doing 30 minutes of exercise a day, five days a week. That got my attention. I mean, it really got my attention. So much so that, instead of catching the bus directly home, I walked the first 35 blocks of the trip to get in a little cardio. Surviving 24 hours of bleeding would really suck if the whole thing ended with me dying on some city bus from a heart attack triggered by high blood pressure.

I got a call from my primary doc a few days later. He's awesome. He noted that we hadn't seen each other in ages, and suggested we seize the day and make it a full physical, complete with blood work. Sounded good to me. I fasted after 9 pm (after, I admit, a dinner that was insanely carb-heavy) and arrived at his office the next morning. A nurse tried to take my blood pressure and failed three times. I kept telling her I believed the cuff was faulty, and that she was pinching my arm. She ignored me and kept trying. Finally, she gave up with the words, "This cuff must be broken. I won't pinch you anymore. Let's see what the doctor can do." I went in to the doc. Dr Huang is really sweet. Youngish...maybe 35. Very bright. Very thoughtful. A good listener. He pulled out his old, reliable manual blood pressure meter, put the cuff on me and talked small talk while he took my pressure. It wasn't bad. Only two points higher than it should be for someone my age and weight. He told me to work on diet and exercise, because there didn't seem to be a point in prescribing meds for two points that he was confident I could lower through lifestyle. I liked that. I liked that he didn't rush to meds. I liked that he showed confidence in me to do the right thing. He listened to my heart and lungs and said they sounded clear and strong. We talked about a few things - stuff I've been meaning to get to. Sleep apnea. A referral for a grief counselor. When we were done, he sent me off to the lab for blood work.

My HMO has a great member website. I can email my doc, make appointments, order meds...all online. The site also makes lab results available to patients in real time. My first lab results came back that night. My overall cholesterol level is great. 162. A 25 yr old would kill for that. Sodium, white and red blood cells, triglycerides, hemoglobin...all perfect. My vitamin D was way down, but the doc told me to expect that, and that he'd arrange for supplements.

Life can change so suddenly.

The last result to come back was glucose. 217. I know this is high. Very high. Especially for a fasting level. I froze up. My body filled with panic. Diabetes. I know this disease. I ought to. I've never lived without it as a part of my life. My grandmother had it long before I was born. My grandfather developed it. My other grandmother developed it. My mother had it. Some of her 8 siblings had or have it. I have cousins who live with it. At least two of my great grandparents had it. I didn't want it. Yet, I can't say as I was surprised by my blood glucose level. Not only do I have an incredibly strong genetic predisposition, but I'm fat and inactive. I eat too much meat, pasta and cheese, and not enough greens. I was not shocked, but I was scared.

That was a little less than a month ago. Since then, my life has changed drastically. No, that's too passive. Since then, I've made drastic changes in my life. How and what I eat has changed. My sleep patterns have changed. My activity level has changed. As much of a cliche as it might be, this came as a wake-up call. Dr Huang is lovely..we've had some nice talks on the phone, and he's been incredibly encouraging and positive. He's talked about how useless it is to regret past behavior or blame one's self for this sort of thing, and how much better it is to seize the day and give one's self credit for affecting positive change, a little at a time. He's talked about how my condition had been caught early and how the second fasting test he ordered, just a week after the first, already showed improvement due to steps I'd taken on my own to get healthier. He's talked about how my family history of diabetes may give me an edge other people don't have, because I know the disease, I've lived among it, I know it's possible to live with it.

My mother died at 65. She was diabetic. Her diabetes led to kidney failure and blindness and, almost certainly added to the heart disease that eventually killed her long before she should have left us. This is scary. My mother, though, had a lifelong respiratory illness, and degenerative bone disease. These conditions kept her from being able to do many of the things people with diabetes need to do to remain healthy and strong, and prevent organ damage and side effects. In many ways, she never had a chance. I don't have respiratory or bone disease. I do have access to a gym that I've been going to 5-6 days a week for the last month or so. I do have the luxury of shopping and cooking only for myself, and not for a whole family. I do have excellent health insurance. I also have my late grandmother to think of: she died in 1991, when she was 81. She'd had diabetes for about 35 years, but only become insulin dependent during the last five years of her life. She never went blind. Never developed neuropathy. Never developed kidney disease. She didn't have half the resources or knowledge that I have, but she kicked this disease to a little corner, took control of her life, lived it to the fullest, and died at a ripe, old age. I have her blood coursing through my veins. I have her DNA. I'd like to think I have her spirit, or at least a touch of it.

This morning, after a killer 45 minute cardio workout, I treated myself to a soak in the jacuzzi. It's a really nice, in-ground jacuzzi. Big enough for 15 people or so. Like a tiny swimming pool. It's set among trees that attract hummingbirds and sparrows. One can lay back, look up at the blue sky, and feel the hot jets, as hummingbirds zip past. Really lovely. As is often the case, I had it to myself. As I lay back, listening to the birdsong, it occurred to me: I felt happy. Really happy. Physically and emotionally stronger than I've been in 18 months. Not in the least bit lonely or sad. Not scared. Invigorated by my workout. Cheerful about the birds zipping around. Proud of myself for not only eating sensibly, but learning to really enjoy the challenge. Deeply satisfied to be wearing a bathing suit that was too snug just a month ago. This life - it's a damned good one.

Happiness. It's crept up on me.

2011: The Year in Review

2011-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

A week early, but why the hell not? I don't expect anything exceptional to happen next week. In no particular order, my best and worst of 2011:

Best Movie You Almost Certainly Didn't See -

Meeks' Cutoff

The story: During the mid 1800s, a party of migrants are moving westward. They hire a guide, who leads them astray with promises of a shortcut. They are lost. They are hungry. They have almost no water left. All they can do is keep walking. A visual and emotional feast. If you're in it for chase scenes, a soundtrack, and a big, obvious story, don't bother. This quiet movie (there is almost no dialgoue) is all about the getting there. Or, to be more accurate, the NOT getting there.

Bruce Greenwood, a vastly under-appreciated actor, has never been better. Michelle Williams is as good as ever, turning in what may be the most honest portrayal of a strong woman I've seen in years. In many ways, it's a feminist film. It is a thing of a beauty. I'm willing to bet almost no one who reads this actually saw it. That's a damned shame. It really deserved to be seen on a big screen.

Book Most Likely To Break your Heart, and Maybe Mend It -

Joan Didion's Blue Nights

Joan Didion's life has revolved around loss for well over two years, now. A prolific writer, she turns to the tools of her trade to deal with this loss. Blue Nights, which picks up, so to speak, where The Year of Magical Thinking left off, is a collection of Didion's reflections on the life and death of her only child, on her efforts to keep grief at bay, on the many people who have moved through her life in in the last 77 years, on aging alone, on her own mortality. On realizing that, no matter what our losses, we have only two choices: to keep on living, or to die. Beautifully written. Anyone who has suffered a loss will feel this one. As empowering as it is heartbreaking.

Piece of News that Did My New York Heart The Most Good -

Same Sex Marriage Becomes Legal in New York

The photo says it all. Bless their married, lesbian hearts. I've never been prouder to call myself a native New Yorker. To date, no less than four people from my high school graduating class of under 200 have legally married their same sex partners in NY. Now, if only we could get a federal ruling that had teeth.

Funniest TV Moment-Cum-Internet-Meme -

Rum Ham

You kind of had to be there. If you were, it was funny as shit.

Best and Biggest Campfest on TV -

American Horror Story's Gays

When Zach Quinto comes out of the closet, he really comes out of the closet

Most Annoying Character on A Most Promising New Show -

Amy Jellicoe, Enlightened

Laura Dern's Amy Jellicoe has been to rehab and back, and she's got all the answers. A great show. A main character I want to strangle, even as I root for things to work out her way. Just shut up, Amy.

Most Original Villain -

Gillian Darmody, Boardwalk Empire

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Boardwalk Empire isn't really about prohibition. It's all about the women. And no woman loomed larger in season 2 than Gretchen Mol's Gillian Darmody. Gillian is no paper cut-out. She's got dimension and a past...a past that includes horrors perpetrated against her, and horrors she's perpetrated against her own son. We all saw it coming - the incest - but did anyone see that scene and not feel shock, revulsion, and fury? By season's end, there were two women holding the purse strings that control Atlantic City, and one of them was Gillian. I, for one, am stoked. Bring it.

Worst TV Trend -

Whitney Cummings Taking Over the World of Network Television

More annoying than those asshole kids from Glee. That's saying a hell of a lot. I refuse to post a clip.

Best New Music -

Alabama Shakes

Yes, the singer sounds very Janis Joplinesque. She's good. She's damned good. The whole band is good. Her voice is like Joplin, but the band has a sound all its own. And she's not another Madonna clone. Lady Gaga, I'm looking at you.

Performer Whose Talents Are Most Wasted on Crap -

Lady Gaga

Yeah, I said it. Her pop music is crap. Her persona is annoying as hell. But listen to that voice. Why is she pretending to be Madonna, when there's so much real talent that's all Gaga? If only she'd make this kind of performance her mainstay. I might have to start liking her.

Most Inconsequential Sporting News -

If New York or Boston Don't Win A Pennant, Does The World Series Really Matter?

Most Satisfying Sporting News -

New Zealand Wins The 2011 Rugby World Cup

Not just because I'm a proud Kiwi citizen who'll always have a warm spot in my heart for New Zealand. Not just because the All Blacks are majestic. Not just because they won it at home. Mostly because kicking French ass at anything makes everyone feel good.

Striking a Nerve

2011-12-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's blog post, about the shadiness of Prospect Park's efforts to "circumvent the unions" and bring ABC's recently cancelled shows to the web without having to deal with the bother of paying actors, camera operators, writers, wardrobe people, etc. fair wages, obviously struck a chord with people. I've never received so many private messages, Tweets or Facebook comments about/links to a blog post as this one. Nor have any of my previous blog posts ever received so many hits in so short a time.

I know I didn't write The Great Gatsby, or say anything remotely original. In fact, I think the reason so many people have read that piece, and passed it along to others is that I didn't say anything revolutionary. I think a lot of people heard the news about Prospect Park considering bringing in an overseas partner and bypassing the unions and felt the same way I did: that this would be just plain wrong. It flies in the face of what so many people are fighting for, these days: workers' rights, basic benefits, the end of the huge inequity between the 1% and the 99%. I believe a lot of people read about PP's on-going negotiations and thought, "This is wrong."

Interestingly enough, of all the communication I've had about this blog entry, only one party has come out in favor of Prospect Park, and the move to squash existing union rules. I won't name the party, because I'm not interested in giving free publicity to an outfit that supports union busting. what I will say is that it's a new media production company. I'll also say that their arguments in favor of PP's efforts are as "ridiculous" as they labelled my blog post.

According to this party, working within a new media should abolish baseline union standards that were developed for television. A new medium, according to this party, calls for a whole new set of rules. This party likens the unions involved to the unions that protects the person employed to raise the curtain at Broadway theaters - these days, the curtains are opened and closed electronically, yet union rules still call for a curtain raiser to be paid a full salary. Pretty ridiculous. I agree. But it's a comparison that makes no sense. This party argues that a new medium calls for new negotiations and new contracts. That's double speak for "we think it's ok to pay people less money and cut their benefits, if we want to, because this isn't tv, where budgets are big." If this isn't One-Percent-Speak, I don't know what is.

This was never about having to pay a curtain man, even though the function had become automated.

Quite the opposite: it's about expecting the curtain man to show up and do his job, as usual, but only get paid as if his job was mostly being done by a machine.

New media IS a different animal from television. That's why it was "ridiculous" for Prospect Park to promise the public the same production quality, the same casts, and the same frequency of programming. Since the media is new, what needs to be renegotiated first shouldn't be how much the actors or writers or crew earn. What needed to be negotiated from the very beginning was - HOW COULD THESE SHOWS BE CHANGED TO REALISTICALLY BE DEVELOPED FOR WEB VIEWING? Instead, Prospect park thought backwards - they promised the whole enchilada, and then figured they could buy it at the rate of a questionable 99c Taco Bell taco.

The party that came out against my blog called it not only "ridiculous", but "unfair."

That's rich. Prospect Park is trying to bilk workers out of their hard-earned union rights, and I'm being unfair.

The Case For New Media

In case anyone is wondering, I'm the last person to be against web-based programming. If anything, I'm excited by it. I think it's the future of entertainment. I think it's a shame that the most widely talked-about new media venture these days is Prospect Park's attempt to bring OLTL and AMC to the web, because it's a mess, and it's not representative of what new media can be. Neither are the ridiculous and unfair arguments made by the unnamed new media operation mentioned above.

Successful new media ventures have been the ones that haven't tried to simply lift a television or cinema model and stick it on the web. I'm not a fan of Venice: The Series, but at least the people who developed it had the presence of mind to create something that didn't require 15 elaborate sets. What I saw of the series used only two or three sets that were existing structures: restaurant scenes filmed in an actual restaurant. hotel room scenes filmed in a hotel room, living room scenes filmed in someone's living room. A lot of what I saw on Venice was a mess, but at least they got this right.

Tello Films produces original, successful programming that's been specifically developed for the web. No one-hour, daily shows with a cast of 30, and a 52-week schedule. Their programming works on the web because it was specifically developed, from the ground up, for the web. They don't promise or claim to recreate the television experience; they offer a new and different programming experience.

And this is the root of Prospect Park's debacle. They thought they could lift two established television programs that cost an enormous amount to produce, and just drop them, as they were, onto the internet. In their screwy, stupid and greedy minds they figured, "Same shows, same frequency, same amount of work...but if people are watching on smaller screens we can pay people less to make them."

Now THAT is ridiculous and unfair.

Occupy Your Conscience

2011-12-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

Today, We Love Soaps announced that Prospect Park is still talking about picking up One Life To Live and All My Children and turn them into web-based programs. We all know - some of us always knew - that this is a financial impossibility, based on what it costs to produce each hour-long, daily show, 52 weeks a year. And that's what Prospect Park promised. When this whole, hair-brained plot was made public, PP wrote a check they couldn't cash: they promised to keep producing hour-long episodes, of the same production quality viewers were used to, with the same cast, to run every day, 52 weeks a year. Those of us who stopped to think about that for half a second knew it would never happen. We knew it COULD never happen. Not like that. Of course, we were taking for granted that "the same high production values" implied using the same, union labor. Last week, when Prospect park quietly let go of the idea of taking these shows online, there was a lot of talk of union negotiations having fallen apart.

Stop and think about this for a minute - if PP is saying that the only think keeping them from moving these long-running shows to the web was a union issue, what they're really saying is, "We wanted to cut people's salaries and benefits, but we expected the same amount of work, and the same caliber of work from them."

Over the last 10-15 years, budgets for daytime drama have plummeted. Everyone has taken massive pay cuts - even the most bankable actors. Production costs have been slashed to the bare bones, and we've all read about how actors no longer even have rehearsal time - too expensive! And PP wanted to move in an make further cuts?

If this weren't a television production we were discussing, but a construction project, how would you feel about this proposition? If I said to you, "I want to build a skyscraper, but I want to save money. I know the construction workers used to make $50 an hour, and that they've gone to $40 in the last few years, but I'm thinking I'll pay them $30 an hour. Maybe cut their lunch hour down to 30 minutes, and make them buy their own hammers and nails. And I'll expect them to put up a building as quickly and as well as I would have expected at full wage and with full benefits and the best equipment." - what would you think? If someone presented that proposition to me I'd think they were a cheap bastard looking to exploit labor, and I'd make a note to never go into their building, because I'd have some serious doubts about the quality of the construction.

Prospect Park's "negotiations" with the various trade unions are no different. Because of this, I was glad the announcement was made last week about the abandonment of this project. I would have liked to have seen these shows continue, but not at the expense of workers' rights.

Today, We Love Soaps announced that PP may well still be in discussions about their plan to bring OLTL and AMC to the web. Instead of dealing with the unions, though:

"Prospect Park is said to be considering bringing in an overseas firm to turn the shows into a co-production. That may or may not allow the shows to circumvent the unions, which couldn't come to terms with Prospect Park on compensation for talent on both sides of the camera."

Take that in: "may allow them to circumvent the unions."

Just to make sure we're on the same page, I'll spell this out for you: "circumventing the unions" is a nice way of saying "fuck the workers, fuck their union protection, fuck their minimum wage, fuck their benefits, fuck their job safety." It's a way of saying that, if trade unions won't fold and give up whatever protections they've fought long and hard to secure for their members, Prospect Park will gladly hire scabs who will do the work cheaper. It's even saying they'll be happy to pick up these projects and film them elsewhere, where union rules don't apply.

THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.
I don't care how much you love these shows,
THIS S NOT GOOD NEWS.
In an economy where the little guy is getting fucked over in every way possible,
THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.
For writers, actors, and technical crew people who deserve fair wages and benefits,
THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.

If someone came into your workplace and tried this, you'd be livid. And you should be. Because this is bullshit. I've loved soaps my whole life but, for the love of God, how can anyone think it is ok for the big, bad PP to muscle in and tell professionals that their services are worthless, that the employment rights they've fought for are meaningless, and that they can be easily replaced with cheap labor? Forget this is a tv show we're talking about. Think about it happening in a store, or a school, or a hospital, or any other workplace. This is the same shit that pisses people off about American corporations setting up shop in Thailand and paying pennies for labor that, under American union rules, would and should cost dollars. Forget these are tv shows - they're businesses. Workplaces. Forget these are writers and actors and camera operators and editors and makeup men. They're workers. Labor. They work, and they deserve a fair wage and benefits.

Check your conscience before being happy about this development. Is your love of soap operas really worth fucking over the concepts of fair compensation, workplace security, and union protection?

Dribs and Drabs

2011-11-16T23:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so here goes....

Best Serious Read: Joan Didion's Blue Nights
Read it. You will read nothing better this year. It will break your heart. It may also help mend your heart.

Love, loss, heartbreak, mortality, and denial. We all know these things. Joan Didion has the courage to write about them.

Best Crazy-Ass Fun on Basic Cable: American Horror

Two words: Jessica Lange.

She will creep you the hell out. The show is full of holes and faults, but it's as much fun as a carnival ride, and Lange is deliciously twisted.

Best Cheap Amazon Download: Diminished Capacity

Girl meets girl. Girl gets dumped by girl. Girl throws away promising Hollywood career for meth addiction and adventures in identity theft. AND IT'S ALL TRUE.

Julie Hansen's self-published ebook could use some editing, and it takes a little while to get used to her fast-paced, stream-of-consciousness writing, but it's well worth it. A friend who read it likened it to having a conversation with a really smart, witty speed freak - you may have to put it down, every so often, but you wont be able to help picking it up, again.

Six dollars you'll be glad you spent.

Best Illustration of Why The Internet Is Awesome: Was Monroe Raped?

Watch it. All the way through. And, yes, I totally remember this.

Best Thing To Happen to Kid's Lit: TOON Books

The best of comic book art meets great writing for beginning readers. They're awesome. I started with Luke on the Loose, and ended up buying the entire set of Toon Books for my nephew, who's discovered the joy of reading.

Best Artist To Watch Out For: Jenn Hayes

I discovered her stuff by accident via a friend on Facebook, and immediately fell in love with her creativity and playful style. I had to buy one of her papercrafting pieces for myself. And then another for friends who were celebrating their 25th anniversary. Watch this space: Jenn Hayes is going to be big.

The Proustian Moment

2011-11-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

I went to a weird, little liberal arts college where there was almost no structure. In some ways, it was goofy and ridiculous as hell. In other ways, it was pretty damned great. I think it was mostly pretty great. Most of the best people I know are people I met there. Many of the best times, were had there.

There was no set course list at Goddard. No such thing as a course catalogue. Instead, every semester, people would make suggestions about what group studies (never "classes" - they were called "group studies") should be available. Students would make suggestions. Faculty would make suggestions. Even staff would make suggestions. If the woman who ran the mail room had a suggestion, well, hell...she would be heard and her idea might just make the cut. This could be frustrating. It meant that the first week or two of each semester was spent figuring out what would be offered, who would lead groups, what readings lists and curricula would look like. There would be no English Lit 101 at Goddard. Why would there be, when the sky was the limit? Why would anyone opt for that, when they could choose, as I did my first semester, a group study called Madame Bovary and The Cat? Madame Bovary and The Cat was the brainchild of Kathryn Davis : a group study in which participants read Flaubert's novel, spent months dissecting one book, and then, at the end of the semester, dissected an actual cat. It sounds crazy, but it was kind of glorious; dissecting a book and a character with our minds, and then moving to a lab setting, and using our hands to slice open a dead cat (who, incidentally, had been pregnant when she died...we opened her up to find a gorgeous litter of fully-formed, dead kittens inside - that was somehow fitting.) I remember the day we dissected the cat. None of us had any training in this area. It wasn't a science class. We were using scalpels and rubber gloves, but we were using them as literary tools. Kathryn looked at us (all four of us) and asked, "How should we cut, and why? Any ideas?" It was quite something. Instead of research papers, participants in the group were free to do whatever type of final project we chose. Why write an academic paper, when you could create a collection of personal effects for Emma Bovary? A birth certificate, passport, driver's license - all playing on Flaubert's vague and ever-changing descriptions of his protagonist. That was my project - the Emma Bovary dossier. Someone else created an installation that struck me as a tribute to repulsiveness. It consisted of an old, plastic soda bottle hanging from the ceiling, a slow but steady stream of pink, gooey liquid falling from it, leaving a disgusting puddle on the floor. I'm not sure what it meant, if it did, indeed, mean anything at all. But it wasn't boring. A paper on Madame Bovary would have been boring. Does the world really need another college term paper on Flaubert?

But I digress. I don't really want to write about my college experience, except by way of writing about an experience I had a few days ago. One of the last group studies I took at Goddard, and one of the more traditional, was called The Art of Memory. Mark Doty, who suggested the group and facilitated it, was interested in memory as a creative trigger for writers. It was Proust's moment with a cup of tea and a cookie - the moment that resulted in Remembrance of Things Past - that inspired the group study. The first volume was sort our class guide - we read it slowly, during the course of the semester, while also doing a number of writing exercises that involved using memory as a creative trigger. It seemed like a great concept but, to be honest, I found Proust incredibly boring and not at all moving or inspirational. At the last group meeting, Doty treated us all to tea and madeleines, with the idea that the combination would trigger memories for us the way it had for Proust. It didn't, of course. Because that particular combination was Marcel Proust's trigger, not mine. Proust's pivotal moment was, for me, just a cookie dipped in weak tea. Ho hum.

But everyone has his or her own tea and madeleines.

We've started getting cold weather in San Francisco. I happen to be broke, and buying a box of cheap, instant cocoa for $1.99 is cheaper than shelling out $2.00 for a cup of hot cocoa at a local coffee shop. A few days ago, when it was especially cold in the middle of the afternoon, I opened a packet of Nestle's cocoa, emptied it into a mug, and filled the mug with hot water from the electric kettle we have at work. I gave the hot cocoa a stir with a plastic spoon, threw the spoon away, and took a sip as I walked down the hallway towards my office. That subtle saltiness that's always there in cheap cocoa hit my tongue and, for a moment I left my body and found myself at another moment in my life.

I am very young and I know, somehow, that I am the youngest of my mother's children: there is no baby sister, yet. This means I am no older than 5. This means it must be no later than 1972. My mother and I have spent the day together, alone. A rare thing, and I can't imagine where my older sister is, but I don't really care. A day alone with my mother is like magic. I love being with her. She is fun and lovable. We are in the Flatiron district of Manhattan, near her job. She's taken me to work on this day, and then to a wholesale dealer of toys and novelties, where I was allowed to pick out a few items from the 50 cent bin. The afternoon ends with the two of us at a diner. Eating out is a rare treat in 1972, not a common occurrence, the way it is in 2011. I want to sit at the counter and spin around on the round stool. Yes, that's fine. We sit at the counter and eat sandwiches. Grilled cheese? Maybe tuna salad. Each sandwich comes with a dill pickle on the side and my mother, who never liked pickles, gives me hers. We also have tiny, metal bowls with crunchy cole slaw. So yummy. When the waitress asks my mother if she'd like coffee, she scrunches up her nose. She never drinks what we call "American coffee," meaning Maxwell House made in a drip coffee maker and kept warm for hours. In our family, we drink rich, finely ground, Puerto Rican coffee filtered through a colador - a muslin coffee sock.

Even I drink this strong coffee, with boiled milk and sugar. Even I know to scrunch up my nose at American coffee. Instead, my mother orders hot cocoa. The waitress asks if we'd like marshmallows or whipped cream. I look up at my mother, who smiles with her big, brown eyes and says, with a hint of fun in her voice, "Both!" I have had hot cocoa, before, but never marshmallows, and never whipped cream. When our mugs arrive, they're piled high with swirls of cream. My mother tells me to go ahead and taste the cream, but to be careful - the cocoa is very hot. She slides a spoon under the whipped cream and pulls out a melted mini marshmallow, blows on it to cool it off, and then spoon-feeds it to me as if I were, once again, her baby. A little of the cocoa is on the spoon and I taste a subtle saltiness. The same saltiness I will taste in 2011. The same subtle saltiness that will send me reeling back for just a moment, make me so happy to be in that time and place I'd almost forgotten about. The same subtle saltiness that, once the Proustian moment is over, will leave my heart aching and leave me without breath as I say to myself, out loud, "Oh...Ma...."

Oh. Ma.

Toe Pick

2011-11-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

My blogging over the years has been a bit of verbal jambalaya. I'm just as interested in the human condition as I am in the week's tv listings. I might blog one day about human rights, and the next about this week's episode of Boardwalk Empire. And why not? Pop culture speaks volumes about who we are and where we are in time. What we read, watch, listen to - it's all about stories, isn't it? And what is the study of human nature if not the study of the stories that human beings share, pass down, are drawn to at any moment in time?

A few days ago, I was flipping channels and stumbled upon a movie I have never been able to resist: 1992's The Cutting Edge. Now, I won't tell you this is a great movie, or even a good movie. It's not. It's cheese. But not just any cheese. It's visual Velveeta. You know the stuff. You laugh at it on the sly but, every so often, when you're all alone - or maybe with a close friend - nothing hits the spot like a grilled cheese sandwich made with Velveeta and Wonder Bread. Or maybe you get stoned (people still do that, right?) and find yourself with the munchies at 2am. You're not going to pull the brie out of the fridge and let it warm up to room temperature. You're not shaving paper-thin slices of imported parmesan. You're not Making toast points and grilling Spanish bleu cheese. You're going to pull out that big, yellow box, peel away the thick foil, and cut yourself a hunk of Velveeeta. Or you're going to turn on the tv and hope that The Cutting Edge is on cable.

It's ok to admit it.
I do.
I love that craptastic movie. If it's on cable, I HAVE to watch it. And I've come to realize that a lot of other people of my generation feel this way. But why? It's not the most interesting movie. There really aren't any laughs. It doesn't even have a memorable soundtrack or theme song. And it was released in 1992 - my teen years were long over by then, so it's not the whole "that's the movie I saw with my first love!" thing. People my age did not go see this movie on their first date. Sooooooo...WHAT'S THE BIG THING ABOUT THE CUTTING EDGE AND WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT GENERATION X?

I think I know.

This movie, although released in 1992, is a nod to the 80s. The last vestige of everything the 80s were about. We initially watched The Cutting Edge because Moira Kelly was hot (I'm a lesbian) and D.B. Sweeney was adorable (I'm gay, not blind), but we watch it again, and again because it's the best snapshot of the decade that preceded it. The decade when, for better or worse, people my age made the shift to adulthood. It's a dumb movie that we can't resist. The 80s? A dumb decade that, try as we might, we can't resist having a little nostalgia for. And, if you're not resisting this nostalgia, but embracing it and think the 80s were just wonderful, I'm here to tell you that you're seeing that decade through bong-water-stained glasses. The 80s were fucking stupid, and our love for The Cutting Edge is a nod to our love for sheer stupidity. Think about it: it's a heterosexual love story that centers on FIGURE SKATING. It is the swan song to the decade when Brian Boitano told America that he was a straight figure skater from San Francisco, and America swallowed it, hook, line and sinker.

The entire decade was a 10 year tribute to stupidity, poor judgement, and bad taste. Synthesized drums. Acid washed denim. Shoulder pads. Leg warmers. Toni Basil. The Porky's movie franchise.

Stop fighting it.

Duran Duran was a shitty band.
Flashdance was an awful movie.
The California Raisins were stupid.
Max headroom was annoying.
Rainbows and unicorns were corny as shit.
Miami Vice has not aged well.
V.C. Andrews' books were creepy and badly written.
Ronald Fucking Reagan was a terrible, fucking president.

And that's it. That's what The Cutting Edge is all about. It's about how fucking crappy and stupid shit was for 10 whole fucking years, and how stupid we were to buy black rubber bracelets, wear shoes without socks, listen to Flock of Seagulls and think "Where's The Beef?" was funny. The brilliant thing about it - and you have director Paul Michael Glaser, thank for this - about this silly, cheesy, little movie.....is that it reminds us of our own stupidity - about the stupidity of an entire nation for an entire decade - and it does it in a gentle way.

I don't watch the toe pick scene and think, "Do they really expect us to believe that a guy who's been playing hockey for his whole life has no idea what a regular pair of ice skates looks like and what a toe pick is? I don't even fucking skate and even I know what it is. This is fucking retarded!" I don't think that. I don't think anything close to that. I see that seen and think, "Awww...this is embarrassingly silly. Moira Kelly is so haughty and pretty. D.B. Sweeney is so freaking goofy and cute."

Scroll up and look at that picture. They're not fucking retards - they're sweet and hopeful. And we love them, in all their stupidity, because we don't want to think of ourselves as the tacky, stupid generation who came into our own as conspicuous consumers of complete and utter horse shit because we had such bad taste and poor judgement. We'd rather look back and think of ourselves as silly, lovable kids who played PacMan, loved Ghostbusters (which, BTW, is a fucking stupid movie), and listened to the Purple Rain soundtrack on our Walkmans until the cassettes snapped.

Toe pick.

Hey, don't blame me: I was too young to vote for Ronald Reagan.

A River Runs Through It

2011-10-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

Last week, one of America's anti-same-sex marriage pundits (you know the guy...his name has become synonymous with "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex") said he'd "die to stop same-sex marriage." My first first reaction? Great, let's kill him. My second reaction? Asking myself how people can be so stupid that they refuse to see when they are fighting a losing battle.

People who waste time and energry opposing same sex marriage are a lot of things: close-minded, ignorant, selfish, self-rightous, intolerant, bigotted. They're also just stupid. That's what I've finally come to see as the plain truth. People who fight the inevitable are stupid. If you were to jump into a raging river, the kind of river where white water rafting is popular, and stand there, hoping against hope to stop the water from getting past you...if you were to do this, I'd tell you that you were stupid. If you were to place a penny on train tracks, in the hopes that it would stop the 5:15 dead, I'd tell you that you were stupid. If you were to hand out bible tracts, believing you could talk hormone-raging teens from wanting to have sex, I'd tell you that you were stupid. If you think you can stop same-sex couples from loving one another, building lives together, forming families and, yes, getting married? You are fucking stupid. Because the movement for equal rights isn't a trickle. It's a roaring rapid. It's an express train without breaks. It's a horny 16 year old boy who'll fuck a jagged hole in the wall, if only he can get close enough. Maybe you can cause a ripple in the flow of water, or get a train to slow down for a second, or force a couple of teenaged lovers to find a more clandestine place to secretly have sex, but you won't stop these things. You can't. And you really, truly are stupid if you think otherwise.

This is what it's like in America, today, when it comes to same-sex couples. While you (yeah, stupid, I'm talking to you) rant and rave about how same-sex marriage will destroy family values, gay couples all over America are getting together, setting up lives, and even getting married. In short, they're quietly proving just how stupid you are. And they're not doing it less than they did before you started acting like a dog with a bone about this issue. They're doing it more often, and more publicly. Even if they're not getting legally married, they're buying homes together, starting businesses together, raising children together. The minute one state allowed same-sex marriages, the flood gates were opened. And you cannot stop a flood. (There's a joke there, about a dyke, but I'm not going to be the one to make it.) YOU CANNOT. And you're stupid to try.

Last week, my good friend, Thom, married a man named Adam in a quiet, dignified ceremony in New York. Thom and Adam have been together for 20 years. They own two homes together. They collect art. They travel. They support a dozen charities. They throw intimate dinner parties. I've thought of them as a married couple for years. For all intents and purposes, they have been. Now, it's even recognized by law. They win. You lose, stupid. It's a done deal. It's over. The river is picking up momentum, and you're about to be toppled over and drowned. You can go home and lick your wounds, now. Or you can die fighting a losing battle. Be my fucking guest.

It Keeps Getting Worse

2011-10-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

I won't post a link to the video, and I won't even mention the young man's name, but you know who I'm talking about: the teenager who, months after having posted his own video as part of the It Gets Better campaign, recently killed himself. His suicide, it is believed, was the end result of his having been bullied for being gay. This death, as heartbreaking as it is, points to the very reasons I've never cared for the It Gets Better campaign, and think it's a pointless feel-good exercise which makes it possible for people to spend ten minutes in front of a video camera, and then pat themselves on the back for all they've done in the name of gay rights.

The biggest problem I have with the campaign is that, well...its premise is a lie. For many homosexuals it never gets better. Living in a small town can suck, but living in a big city is no solution. Advising gay teens in Kansas to move to SF or NYC is ridiculous and illustrates an ignorance about what such a move would mean, financially, for most people. For most people in America, such a move would be impossible. And, even if they could make such a move, the truth is that hate crimes targeting homosexuals happen in SF and NYC, too. I've witnessed some really ugly homophobia in SF, and I've met people here who have been the victims of extreme anti-gay violence.

The fact is, for a lot of people, it just doesn't get better. A campaign that consists of people talking about how holding on and waiting until the future, because "it gets better" doesn't do a damned thing to address why it sucks to be young and gay, in the first place. It sucks because other people can be shitty. Not just other young people, but adults: teachers, clergy, neighbors, the parents of the kids who do all the bullying. Even the parents of the the young person who is gay. And, guess what? They don't care about any dumb campaign. They're not watching. They don't care that the gay kid from Glee has had his three minutes of talking about how it gets better. They can't stand that little fag any more than they can stand the little fag in their homeroom class, the little fag who lives next door, the little fag who is their own son.

The It Gets Better campaign is the Just Say No of the 21st century. Remember that? A bunch of anti-drug people talking about how saying no to drugs was AWESOME! You know who paid attention? People who were anti-drug. Do you believe, for even a minute, that some heroin addict not only watched as Nancy Reagan and Mr. T talked about how a drug-free life would be neat-o, but ran out to rehab to clean up his act? No? Me neither. Because it didn't happen. And, guess what? That asshole who gets in his pickup truck on friday nights, cruising around town, looking for fags to bash? Not only is he not having an epiphany about how awful it is to terrorize someone on account of who he or she is and how he or she loves...he's not getting on Youtube to find out what Judith Light or Liza Minelli has to say. Like Honey Badger, that asshole with his pickup truck really doesn't give a shit.

This poor kid, who ended his life...he made his own It Gets Better video. Like everyone who's made such a video, he meant well. In it, he talked about how terrifically awesome his friends were when he decided to come out as gay (he'd previously identified as bi.) At the risk of seeming crass and insensitive, this needs to be said: They were his friends. They were SUPPOSED to be terrifically awesome. That's a friend's job. It wasn't ever going to be his friends who were going to make life hell for him. His sad, hopeful It Gets Better video is a cautionary tale, and here are the Cliff's Notes: If you're a young gay person, don't go thinking things will get better just because someone says so in a video. Moving to SF or NYC is not a panacea. Your getting older won't make people suddenly treat you with common decency. The world is often a cold, hard place. Toughen up. Get some emotional armor. Learn to fight. Sharpen your mind and learn to cut others down with wit and logic. Read about the drag queens of Stonewall. Find quality people, and surround yourself with them. Remember what George Herman said: Living well is the best revenge. It won't just get better. You have to make it better, in your own small way, within your own, small life.

Idiocracy: It's Real, and It's Right Here in America

2011-07-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

I read an article, a short while back, about how lots of people are using Groupon and other such online coupon/discount sites...and about how a lot of the small businesses offering discounts are really disenchanted with the way it's turned out for them. For some reason, small business owners are finding that they're actually losing out, instead of increasing revenue. How can that be?

I think I have a pretty good idea.

A family-owned picture frame store with three locations in the Bay Area offered the following deal: buy a voucher worth $40 for just $20. The fine print said the voucher did not cover anything but frames, did not cover sales tax, and that there were no cash refunds or store credits. Each voucher could only be used during one store visit. Fair enough. I pounced on this. $40 worth of picture frames for $20 plus tax? Hell, yeah. I bought two vouchers because I knew I'd need picture frames in my new apartment, and nice frames are expensive.

Yesterday I went to the frame shop with one voucher, and gave the other voucher to the friend I was shopping with. All they sell at this shop are frames and frame hardware. The initial tip-off that this was going to be an exercise in ineptitude came when the sales girl announced, pretty early on, that she didn't know anything about frames or frame hardware. Take that in. She's a sales girl at a store that sells nothing but frames and frame hardware, and she KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT FRAMES OR FRAME HARDWARE. What's more, she doesn't seem to feel badly about this, or see a problem with announcing it. My friend and I are were picking out frames for original art work, not for photos, so we had very specific needs in terms of frame type, depth and such.

Without any help from her, my friend and I picked out our frames. When it came down to picking out the hardware to secure our paintings to their respective frames, she repeated that she had no idea what any of it was for, how it was used, or how to choose the right hardware for specific types of frames. She called in another guy who knew a little bit about frames and frame hardware, but not much more than my 14 yr old nephew knows.

I picked a $30 frame. I also had a package of framing hardware that cost about $2. As per the fine print on the voucher and the terms of service I'd agreed to on Groupon, I expected to have the cost of the frame covered by the voucher, and to pay cash for the hardware and any sales tax. The sales girl stared at my voucher for a full minute, but somehow managed to NOT READ IT, because she said, "Your total isn't $40. I don't know if I can let you use this for less than $40 worth of merchandise."

I replied, "Are you joking? Of course you can. I just don't get any change back."

She said, "I don't know about that. I'll have to ask the manager."

I said, "But that's ridiculous. It's better for you if I spend the voucher on less than $40 worth of merchandise, since you don't give cash or credit back."

She didn't understand the concept and repeated, "I don't know about that. I'll have to talk to the manager."

"Well, you can't FORCE me to choose a $40 item."

"I don't know about that. I'll have to ask the manager."

She asked her manager, whose answer was, no...they would not honor the voucher is I had less than $40 worth of merchandise. I explained that I only NEEDED the $30 frame, and that I understood and was fine with the fact that I would not get change or a credit back. Impossible, I was told.....I HAD to have $40 worth of merchandise.

Ridiculous. Unbelievable. My friend passed me a cheap, little frame that I don't really NEED, just to make up the difference. The idiot sales girl then proceeded to include the big frame, the small frame, the hardware and tax in the $40 voucher. She triumphantly announced that I'd gone over the $40 voucher and owed them $1.10.

Again, take that in. She considered it a victory that I had to pay $1.10 in cash. She, and her manager, think they did a great thing for their shop by forcing me to pay $21.10 ($1.10 in cash, and a voucher I paid $20 for) for $40 worth of goods. They don't understand that they should have let me pay $20 for a $30 frame, and pay for the hardware and sales tax in cash. At the end of the day, not only did they force me to pay less for more stuff, but they paid Groupon a service fee for the privilege. I got $40 worth of goods and they got $21.10, minus Groupon fees. Unless their regular mark-up is 50% (and it isn't - it's actually a very reasonably-priced shop) this transaction COST THEM MONEY.

Small businesses may be pissed off at Groupon, but they need to look to their own ineptness before laying the blame on this whole online coupon thing not working in their favor.

For one thing, how the hell can a small business afford to offer several thousand 50%-off vouchers? Sears can do that. Target can do that. A small, family-owned, niche business cannot reasonably expect to do that and still turn a profit - especially not when they're paying a service such as Groupon to administer their discounts. I might walk in to Target with a 50% off coupon good for clothing, buy some PJs, and then end up spending another $75 in cash on groceries, toiletries, cleaning supplies, or whatever. But this is a frame shop. They sell only frames. I highly doubt people walk in, use their $40 voucher and then decide, "OMG...I need $600 worth of frames and I need it NOW!"

For another thing, how the hell does a business offer a deal without being well-versed in their own terms of service? I ended up paying only a small portion of the sales tax on this purchase, because the stupid sales girl included the tax in the voucher. A voucher is NOT MONEY. This store is going to have a hell of a lot of fun when it comes time to balance their books and reconcile their accounts for the IRS, because they're essentially NOT CHARGING SALES TAX FOR PEOPLE WHO USE VOUCHERS. The IRS will want that money, and guess who'll have to cough it up? The stupid frame store owner.

America is in a financial crisis. It makes a lot of sense to point to federal and state policies, corruption in government, and politicians from both major parties who don't give a damn about the average working man. On the other hand, business owners - especially small business owners - need to step up their game. Complaining to the Wall Street Journal that they feel duped by Groupon won't do. I'm guessing a lot of these business owners who are disenchanted figured they could offer and get paid up front for big discounts, and that most consumers would never actually use their Groupon vouchers. That's more than just dumb - its damned greedy. I don't hope the store where I had this experience fails, but I won't be shocked if it does. And, if it does, it can't blamed on a poor economy or TPTB in Washington DC or Sacramento. It'll be because the owner is both stupid and greedy - a dangerous combination.

Blog for Access - July 26th, Anniversary of the ADA

2011-07-26T00:08:00.000-07:00

When my mother passed away, my father, sister and I went about the business of going through her stuff. Some of it we wanted for ourselves, or to pass down to the grandkids. Some of her things, though, were carted off to places such as The Lighthouse for the Blind, or Hospice or other charities. Things like electronic screen readers, books on CD, talking timepieces, a power wheelchair, and all sorts of Assistive Technology.

Ma was lucky: she had really great insurance that covered the costs most of this equipment. Or rather, she was lucky AND smart: when she retired, she devoted a chunk of her retirement savings to pay for insurance for life. Most people don't have this option. I thank God my mother did. It made it possible for her to be as comfortable as possible when her multiple disabilities caused her pain, took away her eyesight, and compromised her mobility. The fact that she had excellent coverage also meant she was able to live in her own home, right until the end. Without ramps, rails, and a bunch of other devices that made her home easy to maneuver, there's no way my mother could have stayed at home.

When we talk about access in regards to disabilities, we most often talk about physical access. The ramps and rails were great. The screen readers and talking machines were great. But those items can only be useful if they're accessible. And, by this I mean that they're great for people who can afford them or whose insurance helps them defray the costs, but more of a pipe dream for people who can't. This is a whole other type of access that people with disabilities have to deal with every day: the AT exists, and it can make the world more accessible, but some of it is exorbitantly expensive. It's only useful to people if they can actually get their hands on it.

The very tools that have been designed to provide greater access are not financially accessible to most Americans.

I remember talking to the social worker at the dialysis center where my mother had treatment four times a week. He told me that my mother wasn't like other patients he dealt with. She had great insurance, he explained, and great insurance gave her options. Most of the people he saw had little or no insurance, or relied on Medicaid or Medicare. I was shocked to find out that several of the regular dialysis patients were homeless, and living out of a tent city set up by the town council. The federal government guaranteed them access to dialysis treatment, but little else. Even if they were able to find affordable housing, the chances of being able to modify that housing to make it accessible was next to nil. For these people, there are few, if any, choices about independent, community-based living.

So, when Ma passed away, we packed up most of her AT, and donated it to different charities where other people with disabilities could make use of it. Some it was practical stuff: items to help people get dressed or read or tell time or get around. Other things were just for living life: tactile and large print board games and playing cards, a giant remote control, a wide selection of books on tape and CD. It felt good to pass those things along - to provide access to a few people. But it's not the answer. We need to work, as a country, to make not just emergency healthcare something that every person can access, but to make accessible the basic things people with disabilities need in order to truly have options they can explore.

Bad Science

2011-07-09T04:46:00.000-07:00

"It's a choice!" you'll hear. Homosexuality is a choice, a lifestyle entered into by conscious decision. This what those who oppose same-sex marriage and full civil rights for gays and lesbians say. Homosexuals aren't and shouldn't be a protected class, they say, because homosexuality is not a genetically determined trait such as race or gender.

In their zeal to deny others of their rights, and to hold on to as much power, themselves, as they possibly can, the far right points to science. Many of the same people who poo-poo science when it comes to evolution vs. creation theory suddenly look to science as the be-all and end-all that they hinge their anti-homosexual agenda on. The problem is, the science they're pointing to isn't science, at all. It's pseudo-science. It has nothing to do with scientific investigation, controlled study, or hard evidence. It's quackery that amounts to taking select bits and pieces of scientific theory, mixing that in with large doses of religion and personal ethos, and calling it SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE.

The Myths

"The only natural sexual inclination involves males being attracted to females, and females being attracted to males."

Homosexuality and bisexuality occur all the time in the natural world. Animals such as chimpanzees, whales, dolphins, penguins, walruses, bison and some species of reptiles, to name a few examples of the close to 1500 species where homosexuality has been observed by scientists. Last I checked, bison and walruses weren't being induced or pressured into a gay lifestyle. Animals act on instinct. Outside forces play no part in bisexual and homosexual activity in the animal world, the natural world.

"Sexual activity is strictly a function driven by the urge to reproduce and preserve the species, therefore homosexuality must logically be a choice."

One of the driving factors of human sexuality is almost certainly reproduction, but it isn't the only one. If it were, human beings would only feel the urge for sex when and if their bodies were capable of successful procreation. If it were, no one would ever masturbate or feel the need to masturbate. If it were, men with low sperm counts would have zero sex drive. If it were, no pregnant woman would ever have sexual urges - why would she? If it were, people who didn't want to have kids would have no sex drive. The truth is, human sexuality is a complex phenomenon that has several driving factors and which serves many purposes. Procreation is just one of them.

"Homosexuality is a learned behavior, and people become homosexual because of images of homosexuality they're exposed to in the media. Since it can be learned, it can be unlearned."

A child raised in a traditional household, by a mother and a father, can identify as homosexual, without even knowing what homosexuality entails and without exposure to homosexuality in the media or in real life. It happens all the time. In fact, that's the background story of most homosexuals I know. Homosexuality occurs in all cultures, including those without mass media and those where any images of homosexuality are strictly forbidden. Homosexuality predates the Internet. It predates Tom of Finland and Sarah Waters. It predates the printing press and mass literacy.

"Homosexuality is curable."

In order for something to be curable, it has to be an illness, a disease. Homosexuality is not a disease or a disorder. This is not just my opinion as a lesbian. Every major mental health organization in the country, including the American Psychological Association, has stated that homosexuality is not an illness or disease. So has the World Health Organization. Real science says homosexuality is not a disease. If it's not a disease, there can't be a cure. If it's not a disease - and it isn't - only a fool would look for a cure.

"Homosexuality isn't even learned - it's a conscious choice. People who engage in homosexual sex just need to choose to be heterosexual by engaging in heterosexual sex."

Sexuality is about a lot more than the mere sex act. A celibate heterosexual is still a heterosexual, and the same holds true for a homosexual. A person can and may choose how to behave and what to do, but no human being can choose his or her sexuality. Who would choose homosexuality in a country where homosexuals are denied their civil rights, face discrimination at every pass, are mocked in the media, and are often shunned by their families? If it were a choice, why would anyone living in a country such as Iran or Yemen, where homosexuality is punishable by death, choose to be homosexual?

There are lots of homosexuals who live what we think of as heterosexual lives. I'm talking about men with wives and children who, when they feel safe that no one is watching, engage in sex with other men. They can't help it. Because, at their core, they're gay. They just aren't brave enough to embrace this reality, so they settle for gay sex on the DL and a straight life for their public personas. As recent history has shown, it's not uncommon for some of the very people who use bad science and spew bullshit theories about the curability of homosexuality to be nothing more than cowardly, self-loathing homosexuals. Hey, I'm not making this up. The Hall of Shame includes:

George Rekers
Pastor Eddie Long
Troy King
Richard Curtis
Ted Haggard
Glenn Murphy Jr.
David Dreier
Bruce Barclay
Roy Ashburn
Jim West

The Truth

The truth is, people who use bad science to defend the denial of basic civil rights to homosexuals are scared to death that their tenuous grasp on power is weakening. This is not new. It happened in regards to blacks, Native Americans, Jews, women, people with disabilities, etc. In 2011, we know better than to believe that Africans are genetically inferior to Europeans. We know that Native Americans aren't "savages." We know Jews do, indeed, bleed when we prick them. We know that it would be outrageous to deny women the vote. We acknowledge that people with disabilities have as much right to live in the world, and have access to public spaces, as the rest of us. In 2011, it high time bad science be kicked to the curb and homosexuals be granted our civil rights.

One Year

2011-06-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

One year ago I got on a plane and headed across the continent to Florida to say goodbye to my mother. I did not make it in time to say goodbye. I was somewhere over America when she passed over. I didn't expect that. I expected her to hold on long enough for me to have one last chance to hold her hand. The way it happened, though, was the way she wanted it to happen. She waited until she was alone, except for my father, and she just...left. In terms of the many ways people die, she had a good death. Quiet. Peaceful. On her own terms. No unfinished business. My sister later told me that, near the end, she'd told our mother that, while I was on my way, she knew I'd understand if she couldn't wait. It was the right thing for my sister to do. This wasn't about me. And I don't believe it would have been any easier on me if I had been there. We had no unfinished business, my mother and I. We said all that needed to be said to one another. We didn't have the tension or rivalry some mothers and daughters have. We had genuine friendship and respect between us. Being together at the last moment wasn't worth as much to either of us as having been there for one another throughout my life.

One year. In most ways today is like any other day. But we tend to mark anniversaries in this culture. One year. One year without my mother. One year without the daily check-in by telephone. One year of not being able to pick up the phone and ask how to cook a certain dish, or who starred in some obscure 50s movie, or laugh over a funny story. One year of the phone not ringing, of no happy visits or sunny days pushing her wheelchair along the Sponge Docks. One year alone.

Nothing will ever be harder. This I believe. Friends who have had this experience - the ones who are brave enough to be honest - tell me it never gets easier and it never stops hurting. They say it just becomes something I'll get used to. The way this stupid hand injury I have has never healed, and never stopped hurting - I've just gotten used to it. And they're right - I am getting used to it. And I hate getting used to it, because it's like giving in to the obvious, the inevitable, the truth.

The Moment

2011-05-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am five years old, sitting on the floor in front of my grandmother's couch. My mother and grandmother sit on the couch. I lean back on my mother's legs. We are all engrossed in what we see on the television in front of us: on the night before Philip Brent is to ship off to fight in Vietnam, he and Tara Martin have snuck into a church.

They are young.
They are in love.
In the darkness of an empty church, they privately exchange vows.
There is no priest.
This is their secret.
We are the only witnesses.

This is the moment that sets the scene for years of heartbreak, drama, tragedy and action in Pine Valley. It is the moment that will impact so many characters in the years to come. It is the moment that, years later, when Philip returns from Vietnam and finds Tara married to Chuck Tyler, he will bring us back to. It is the moment I first feel the power of the genre known as soap opera and fall in love with a particular kind of storytelling - storytelling that is about people and their histories, their secrets, their demons. Storytelling that is about people at their best and people at their worst, and all the shades of gray in between.

On hearing about the cancellation of All My Children and One Life To Live, I knew I'd have to write about what will truly be the end of an era for me, but I didn't know where to start. While exchanging emails with a group of friends who love soaps every bit as much as I do, and reminiscing about our favorite moments, it hit me like gangbusters: Philip and Tara. The church. Their secret. It is the first real story line I remember.

In my real life, I'd hear my parents talk about Vietnam. Howard K. Smith and Harry Reasoner talked about it on the news every night. It was part of the background noise as we ate dinner. But it was just a word to me. I had no idea what this Vietnam everyone spoke about really was, except that it was bad, and everyone had an opinion about it. My grandfather and father disagreed about it. A lot. And here, in the middle of the day, were Philip and Tara - two young, attractive characters who seemed like real people to me - talking about a war. About what it means for a young man to go off to war without any certainty that he'll come home, again. It is not an exaggeration to say that I figured out what Vietnam was - not through my parents or the news reports we watched every day - but by watching Philip and Tara's drama unfold. It was a war! People had strong feelings about it, in part, because young men were going away for years and years, even though they didn't want to. Some of them never got back home. Some of them left home without ever having lived. Some of them left families behind, and people they loved.

For every crazy, stupid story line this genre has tackled - demonic possession, human cloning, time travel, a gorilla escaping from Central Park Zoo - there are so many human stories that really have made a difference in the way a lot of people live their lives. When Guiding Light aired frank and open story lines about domestic violence and breast cancer viewers paid attention - DV hotlines rang off the hook and women started booking appointments for mammograms in record numbers. Another World talked openly about abortion for the first time on television. As The World Turns revealed that a popular character was gay. Guiding Light tackled spousal rape for the first time on television. The Young and the Restless bravely introduced a story line about venereal disease in the mid 70s. Ryan's Hope broke tradition by featuring a Jewish character in the previously all Christian/ mostly Protestant daytime arena. And All My Children incorporated the Vietnam War - in real time, no less - with the Philip and Tara story line. And maybe this story line helped people talk about the war, or see it in a different light. I know it explained a lot about the war to me, as young as I was. But more. It made me notice story-telling. It made me pay attention to why characters did and said what they did and said. It made me notice that nothing exists in a vacuum, and that every action is followed by a reaction - even though I didn't have that language - and that these things are important to keep in mind if you want to tell a story that people will believe and want to listen to. Mostly, it made me want to make up and tell those stories, myself.

It is no small thing for me to think of All My Children being pulled off the air. Even though Tara and Philip are long gone, Agnes Nixon is no longer at the helm, and I haven't been a regular viewer for some time, that show is a little piece of home for me. It represents time shared with people who were important to me (my mother and grandmother), and a very specific moment in time when a big part of the person I am today was born.

It's no accident that people refer to their favorite soaps as their "stories," because that's what the genre has always been about - stories. Agnes Nixon wrote a story about Philip and Tara. Richard Hatch and Karen Lynn Gorney brought that story to life. That story made me fall in love with stories.

Birthday

2011-03-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Today's my birthday. I'm keeping it very low key. Keeping to myself all day. No cake. No celebratory toast. No presents. It's always seemed to me that my birthday wasn't just my day, but a day I shared with my mother. Really, one's birthday is the day that brings home the mother/child relationship, isn't it? Without her, there would have been no birthdays, at all, for me. And, yes, I know fathers count, too. But father's don't give their unborn babies a home to live in for nine months. And fathers don't go through unspeakable pain as they push us into the world. I'm here because of my mother. Because she loved me. Because she wanted me.

My mother loved all three of her children. My older sister was born when my mother had been married just over a year, and hadn't quite turned 20. 18 year olds do not plan pregnancies. In those days, a married 18 expected to become a mother, but she didn't plan on it. In those days, it was more about letting the chips fall where they may. My parents were happy to have their first baby. Thrilled, in fact.

My younger sister came as a big surprise. My mother had always said she'd have no more children after age 30. When she was 29 she found herself pregnant. She was surprised. My dad was surprised. Everyone was surprised. That baby just made the threshold and she made everyone happy. I was old enough when my sister was born to remember all of this: how surprising the pregnancy was, how fun it was to have a new baby when no one really expected any more babies to come our way.

I was in the middle. I asked my mother, one day, about the circumstances of my birth. I'd been planned, she told me. The only one she'd actually planned. She and my father wanted more than one child, and wanted their first child to have at least one sibling. They'd planned for me and wanted me and I had not been a surprise. It meant a lot to me to hear this. It means something still.

The fact that I was planned may have something to do with the fact that my mother and I shared an incredibly tight bond, right until the very end. It might also have something to do with the fact that I was the one my mother chose to give her mother's wedding ring to, and then her own wedding ring. I'm the middle child. I'm unmarried. I'm a lesbian. I have no children. I will never have children. And my mother wanted her wedding ring, and her mother's wedding ring, to end up with me. She was very much alive and of sound mind when she gave them to me. She wanted no mistake to be made. I cannot describe how much this gesture meant to me - still means to me. I treasure those rings. They lived on the fingers of the two most important people in my life. The women who gave me life, nurtured me, gave me my first taste of coffee, passed on their sense of humor and love of story-telling to me. My idols. My best friends.

And so, today is my birthday. But how can I possibly have a birthday when my mother isn't here to share it with me? It shouldn't be my day. It's our day. The day she gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. The day of our first parting...of the first time this baby left the only home she'd ever known.

Thanks, Ma. For life. For everything. My birthday will never be as sweet as it used to be.

Choice is not all black and white

2011-01-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

Imagine your life-long dream of having a baby is about to come true: You're 5 months pregnant. You and your partner are thrilled. You've read all the books about prenatal care. You've never missed an appointment with the OB/Gyn. You've been eating all the right foods, exercizing, getting enough rest. You've got a positive attitude. Your whole family is excited. The baby gifts have started pouring in. Everything is exactly the way it should be. And then your doctor calls you in to tell you that something disturbing has come through on your most recent ultrasound. Your son (it's already been determined that you're carrying a boy) is not developing as he should be. Maybe his brain is only partially developed. Maybe there are other organs that just haven't developed, at all. Something has gone wrong. Instead of the son you've always dreamed of, you're carrying a fetus that is not viable. He's no less your baby than he was yesterday, but now you know that he will never be alive in this world. What do you do?

In 2010, a judge in Brazil refused to grant a woman the right to terminate a pregnancy, even though the fetus she was carryind had no brain. The judge believed it was a black-or-white issue: human beings either value life, or they don't. Is anything ever this cut and dry? When we state things and pass judgment based on things either being ALL RIGHT or ALL WRONG, what gets lost is the human element. How can there be any human compassion when one is measuring in terms that really have no practical value within the human experience?

A close friend of mine - C - is a Registered Nurse and Midwife. Most people hear "midwife" and think of childbirth. For the most part, this is a safe assumption. My friend, though, deals a lot more with fairly late-stage terminations than with catching babies as they enter into the world. When a pregnant woman faces a situation such as the one described above - a tragedy, no matter how you look at it - my friend is someone they can call on not just for her medical expertise, but for her compassion.

Women have to make choices regarding reproduction all the time - not just when they decide whether or not to use birth control. A woman in the situation described above has some pretty big choices to make. And she has rights. She might choose to carry to term a fetus that is not viable. This is her right. She might, however, choose to terminate the pregnancy as soon as she learns the truth about her baby - that he is no longer alive, or that he will die almost instantly after being born. This, too, is her right. When a woman makes this choice - the choice to terminate a planned pregnancy that has gone terribly wrong - it is my friend who is often called to duty.

C went into Midwifery because she loved the idea of women helping other women through the birthing process. Over time, though, she realized that her experience as a career nurse and her personal feelings about choice made her the perfect person to perform these difficult terminations. She's good at what she does not just because she has the clinical skills to perform the procedure, but because she knows that it's no easy thing for a woman dealing with trauma to make the decision to terminate. Also, she recognizes that, when a woman in this position DOES make the decision to terminate a pregnancy....she's giving up a baby she's planned for and learned to love. A woman in this position has the right to make choices about her own body, and she also has the right to grieve the loss she's experiencing. C knows that the business of deciding to terminate is rarely a black-or-white issue, and that the emotions that accompany it cover the entire spectrum. She is both an excellent clinician, and a compassionate support person.

It's important that we defend every woman's right to reproductive choice. It's also important that we remember few women make these choices lightly, and that the choice can be difficult to make.

2010: The Year

2010-12-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Needs no explanation.

Best On Screen Chemistry
Dexter

Last season's bathtub carnage left me wondering how the hell they could possibly keep this show interesting. How could they match such an incredible season? The answer to that question turns out to be Julia Stiles.

I'm not a huge Julia Stiles fan (although I highly recommend The Business of Strangers,) but hot damn if she didn't add a whole new dimension to Dexter. Stiles and Michael C. Hall share ridiculous chemistry, and it was disturbingly heartwarming to think of Dexter having a life-partner in crime.

Close second:

Mad Men

Who the fuck gives a damn about Don Draper, his ego, his secrets, or his predictable decision to marry the pretty girl? It's all about Joan and Roger. Three cheers for writers and actors who have created two characters well over 30 who are hot as hell, smart, interesting, and make me root for adultery.

Best New Thing on TV
Boardwalk Empire

It's big, it's beautiful, it's Scorsese, it's Buscemi, it's filmed in Brooklyn. Love. That is all that really needs to be said. Which brings me to....

Newest Ridiculously Sexy Woman on Weekly Television

Gretchen Mol

She was so damned good as Bettie Page, and now she's on tv on a regular basis as Boardwalk Empire's Gillian. She's the perfect mixture of sweet propriety, and gutter-mouth street smarts. Mol's prohibition-era Gillian is like Joan Holloway's spiritual grandmother. My marriage ended in 2010 - I'm announcing here and now that my next wife will be Gretchen Mol.

Writer of the Year

Patti Smith

If you read just one book in 2010, I hope it was Patti Smith's Just Kids. Simple. Beautiful. Unlike any other love story you've ever read. It is perfect.

Over-hype of the Year

Mary Ann in Autumn

Sorry - I know people love Maupin. I love Maupin. I love the entire Tales of the City franchise and especially love Mary Ann Singleton, and sooo looked forward to this book. It's not that it's a bad book, but it's just not a good one. Truth be told, even for a long-time soap fan who's used to suspending disbelief, Mary Ann in Autumn was hard to swallow. It's winning awards and getting accolades because Armistead Maupin is a much-loved man - smart, funny, good-natured, and talented. This book does not show off his talent. Much like San Francisco, itself, you'll expect so much more, and find yourself settling for so much less. I wish I'd skipped it.

Best movie You Probably Didn't See

Howl

See it. James Franco is so much more than a pretty face. He channels Ginsberg. Howl is a thing of beauty.

Biggest Loser

Barack Obama

Because he stands by marriage as the domain of heterosexual couples. Because he did all he could to keep DADT in place. Because he sold everyone who had faith in a national health plan down the river. Because he gave the uber-rich more tax breaks. Because we are still at war. Because he has failed, miserably, by throwing away a great opportunity, and caused it to slip through his fingers.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Get me Fucking Started...

2010-12-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

So DADT has been repealed. Praise be! it makes me want to give Dan Choi a great, big hug and a weekend at Disney. Seriously - everyone knows there are gays in the military. There always have been. A soldier is a soldier. Not something I'd choose to dedicate my life to, but thank God someone does. Who the hell cares how they identify? Gay people serve in armies all over the world, and morale among the troops seems just fine, thank you very much. The long and the short of it is -it's about fucking time.

Here's the thing, though: no one can afford to become complacent about LGBT rights. DADT was repealed. Few of us will be directly impacted by this. The fact is, this country is still a mess when it comes to gay rights, and this is exactly the kind of move government makes to appease the uppity. How long before queers are told to sit down and shut up about other forms of discrimination with, "You got DADT overturned...what the hell else do you want?" Even money says TPTB figure this bit of doing-the-right-thing comes with a proviso: we'll fix that little military thing, but they have to shut up about that same-sex marriage nonsense.

Here is what you need to know about the decision re DADT:

You have a son who has always wanted to serve in the military. Your son is gay. Now that DADT is a thing of the past, you son can Be All That He Can Be. He can join the army, as himself. Private Gaylord Assboy reporting for duty, Sir! That's it. That's all the overturning of DADT means.

Your gay son cannot marry the man he loves. If he has a life partner, the US Army does not recognize this. If your son marries a nice, young woman he met while stationed in Germany, this woman could apply for a Greencard and, eventually, U.S. citizenship as the wife of an American. And, if your son were suddenly stationed in Fort Middle-of-Nowhere, the US Army would almost certainly relocate his wife. They would be eligible for military housing. Your daughter-in-law would get an official I.D. card so that she could shop at the PX and the Commissary. If, heaven forbid, your son died in the line of duty, your daughter-in-law would be eligible for widow's benefits.

But your son is queer.

Thanks to the recent decision about DADT, your son is now good enough to die for his country as a proud and out gay man. He's not good enough, however, to be granted the same rights as those granted the soldier who stands next to him - the soldier who is heterosexual. There is no Greencard for your son's life partner. No military relocation. No military housing. No PX or Commissary. No survivor's benefits. There is nothing for your son's life partner. Because he's gay. He might as well not even exist.

Your gay son can be a war hero, but he can't be a husband.

This business with DADT is a victory, but it's a small one and, while I'm sure President Obama will be willing to take credit for it in 3....2...1...the fact is, DADT was overturned in spite of him, not because of him. So, before you go back to your comfortable chair and say, "I knew Obama would come through for me in the end," remind yourself that we still have a president who believes marriage is a sacred union between MEN AND WOMEN. The long and short of it is he is against full equality and recognition on a federal level. And, without full equality and recognition under the law, on a federal level, the fight for gay rights will go nowhere. They will toss us a bone, now and then, to keep us quiet, but we will be treading water.

The American Civil War ended in 1865. Jim Crow laws, enacted locally, meant that, for millions of black Americans, the end of slavery did little to bring equality. Change only really started to happen when discrimination was addressed on a federal level, by the Supreme Court. This didn't start until the 20th century, and black people living in America are still far from having equal opportunities in this country.

Ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell is nice....now tell me what else you have for me?

Hate to say "I told you so"...

2010-10-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

When I said it during the presidential elections - that I was not pro-Obama, because he was clearly not planning on doing anything to move gay rights along - his staunch supporters, in between bouts of gushing syrupy praise over their new Messiah, told me I was racist. After all, what reason other than the fact that Obama was black could I have for not LOVING him? I reminded them that, actually, Obama is of mixed race as, technically, so am I.

And then the elections were over and we had a new president. Hurrah! Even I was glad. Not because Obama was the living, breathing cure for AIDS that his blind fandom had painted him to be, but because he wasn't George W. Bush.

Time passed, and he did lots of things. Mostly good things. He even did a bunch of things he said he'd do if elected. He did nothing to promote same-sex marriage. Fair enough - that's exactly what he promised he'd do: NOTHING to support an idea he doesn't believe in. Even if he DID believe in it, once upon a time, not even that long ago. No surprises there; a politician changing his mind about an important issue in order to garner favor.

A couple of people I know, people who were staunch supporters of Obama...people who are gay, voiced their "disappointment" in him. How, I asked them, could they be disappointed in a man who had stated, in no uncertain terms, that marriage is for heterosexuals, only? How could they be angry and surprised that a man who would invite one of the nation's most vocal homophobes to deliver the inaugural invocation speech would end up to be less than a friend to his gay voters? How, I asked them, could they be so naive?

"He's doing a lot of good,"they'd answer, "He's still pretty amazing. Give him time. He just needs time. He'll come around. He's trying to bring people together."

How, I wondered, could smart people, people I liked and cared about and usually respected, have deluded themselves into believing that denying a whole sector of society our civil rights was a strategy for "bringing people together"? How did otherwise rational people convince themselves to still talk about their love for a president who did not even acknowledge as legitimate the love two people share for a lifetime, on account of their genders? How and why do smart people become stupid?

In October, I blogged about the hypocrisy of the whole "the world isn't ready...just wait" argument. I spoke about Del Martin, who died after 50 years of waiting for the world to be ready. Still, people I knew, people I liked, people I respected said to me, "But, the president is AWESOME. Just wait. you'll see. He's done a lot of good."

If we had a president who was denying women the vote, or blacks an education or Asians the right to work, I would not tolerate the stupid, naive, ignorant excuse-making of his supporters. Our president thinks its perfectly okay to let fags go to war -maybe even die defending this nation - as long as they keep their mouths shut about who they like to fuck. That is the long and short of it. This week's DOJ actions say it all. That's inexcusable. At worst, our president is a homophobe. At best he's a spineless coward. Any gay person who defends Obama's lack of movement on the gay rights front can just call himself Uncle Tom: you're like a black person who thinks Rosa Parks was uppity and Dr. King had a big mouth. It feels dirty and obscene to even type those two examples, but they're the best and most accurate comparisons I can think of. If you're a gay person and you think other gays who refuse to support a president who continually denies us our civil rights are stirring up trouble or "don't understand what Obama is doing", you're a fucking idiot, and you should probably turn in your toaster.

And you know what? I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

Another week of Dribs and Drabs

2010-10-13T00:12:00.000-07:00

The Girl With The Golden Arm

It pained me to see Mad Men's Midge - my favorite of all the women Don has bedded down over the years - end up a junkie. Of course, it's kind of ridiculous that Midge looks so damned good for a junkie so desperate that she's scrounging around looking for money for her next fix. Rosemary DeWitt is a hottie, and she's way too smart and talented to be on the dreadful United States of Tara. Yeah, send me emails defending that show, if you really have to but here's my story and I'm sticking to it: USOT is a badly written, over-acted, piece of crap. The talented Toni Collette should be ashamed to be involved with it. The wooden, getting-long-in-the-tooth- for-the-good-old-boy-thing John Corbett is lucky to have the work. But Rosemary DeWitt runs the risk of never getting the notice she deserves as long as she's with that clunker. She was a good , little foil for Don's ideas about family life in season one of Mad Men, and her brief return helped move this week's action along but, ultimately, she looked too damn healthy, happy, well-fed and rosy to be a junkie.

The Notorious Gretchen Mol

Loving Boardwalk Empire but, um...does anyone believe Gretchen Mol could be Michael Pit's mother? Maybe his slightly older girlfriend, but his mother? I'm thinking she looks about ten years older than he does.

Anyhow, it's good to see her. I loved her in the Notorious Bettie Page, and I think she didn't get nearly enough credit for her acting in it.

Also: Kelly Macdonald - one of my quiet favorites, ever since Trainspotting. Margaret Schroeder schooling two know-it-all politicos about women's suffrage? Perfect. She's quiet possibly my favorite character on this show. Don't give up on your values, Margaret!

Early Cuts

Ok, so this is old, but it's still pretty fucking cool. My good friend's brother, Kyle Baker, did the drawings for this. If Kyle's name is familiar, it's probably because he also authored the amazing graphic novels about Nat Turner. If you haven't read them, check them out. I keep meaning to get copies for my nephews.

Back at the ranch, Dexter is getting a little sloppy, no? And is it just me, or is his nanny going to end up being some baby-shaking, madwoman who chops up infants and uses them to make Irish stew?

Baby Jessica is sooo '86

As I type this, 3 of the Chilean miners have been rescued, and there are 28 to go. Go, Chile! Like Mad Men's Midge, don't these guys look way too robust, fit and - to be honest - chunky, to have been down there for three months, eating nothing but a spoonful of tuna every 48 hours? I'm not saying this is a hoax, but I do wonder if there's not an underground tunnel that leads to a nice, little ceviche bar. Or, you know, maybe when all is said and done there will only be 20 more guys to pull up. Hey - I'm just saying...they look good.

Jokes made in poor taste aside - Viva Chile! If the footage of that first guy coming up and hugging his son didn't make your eyes well up, you're some sort of soulless bastard, and I feel sorry for you.

Who Says Smart Girls Don't Fuck?

A happy accident found me in a bar that was also a Litquake Litcrawl venue this past weekend, listening to Lorelei Lee read from her novel-in-progress. Lee is a porn performer, NYU MFA student, and writer. A very promising writer. I'm looking forward to reading her novel, once it's published. This short film gives some insight into a young woman whose choices not only buck convention, but challenge pre-conceptions about women who choose to work in the sex industry. You've got to love that.

Dribs and Drabs

2010-10-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

Mad Men

How well-written is Mad Men? It's so well-written that I find myself rooting for Joan and Roger to continue their adulterous flirtation/affair and live happily, ever after. Roger, played by the incredibly charismatic John Slattery, is only ever a real human being when he's talking to Joan. No one else stands up to him, or calls him on his shit. No one else seems to have the balls to tell him off. And Joan? No one really takes her seriously as a human being - and not just a femme fatale - but Roger. There's real love there, real friendship. Roger tells Joan things he would never, ever tell his ridiculous wife. Joan understands Roger in a way no one else can. Roger has respect for Joan - something her rapist-of-a-husband has never, shown. These two are gorgeous together in every way.

Dexter

He's back. Holy shit, is he back. Dead wife. Grief. Guilt. And an epiphany: he can so love! Too soon to tell, but I'm psyched about this season. Ritualistic beheadings, Aster's teen agnst, the past always threatening to catch up with Dex, and the Florida sunshine. What could be better on a Sunday night?

Boardwalk Empire

Holy crap is this show a thing of beauty. Then again, it was a pretty safe bet: Scorsese + Buscemi + filmed mostly in Brooklyn. The writing is tight, the acting top-notch, the costumes and sets are amazing. It's just beautiful, on every level. Paz De la Huerta pretty much naked every week? That can't be too hard to swallow, either.

SHOCKER

Tea's alive. Yeah, we knew that. The show has been a bit of a mess, lately. In some ways, unwatchable. However, the tide seems to be turning. Maybe the only actor I've really enjoyed watching lately: Kassie Depaiva. What can I say? I love Blair, and I really like that the writers have had her stand by her promise to Tea.

RIP, Stephen J. Cannell

He gave us Wiseguy, dammit. And The Rockford Files. And The A Team. And Tenspeed and Brownshoe, a show which I loved. Goodbye, SJC.

The Bay

So much hype - which actually made me suspicious that it would ALL be hype. It may be too soon to tell but, so far, I'm not really impressed. Well, that's not true...I AM impressed that they've seen fit to feature black characters from the get-go, not as fillers or servants, but actual characters involved in the action. And more than one. Other than that, there's not much here to make me watch, again.

For my money, Empire is still the only websoap delivering the goods. Season 3 is set to start November 9th, and I can't wait.

They Yearn for Earthly Pleasures...

I soooo want to go to this, but my Poltergeist cronies live in places like NY and Hawaii, and this is not the kind of thing one goes to alone.

How The Internet Killed The Great American Serial

2010-09-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

The Internet is a great thing. It has been, without a doubt, the most important technological breakthrough to occur in my lifetime. It makes possible seamless, real-time communication between people from all over the globe. Early this year, Astronauts sent the first Tweets and Twitpics from space, expanding even further the reach of Everyman. When people of my parents' generation talk about the assassination of JFK, their descriptions are of hearing the news on the radio, phone lines going down with so many people calling all over to share the sad news, and people gathering around television sets in hopes the reports were mistaken. When I think about the death of Princess Diana, I remember being logged into a chat room full of Australians and New Zealanders, all of us getting the news as it happened, directly from Internet-based wire services, the television playing in the background, the phone barely a consideration, and the radio nowhere in sight. The world had changed. How we got news had changed. How we shared collective sadness had changed.

The fact is, the advent of the Internet has changed the playing field, for all of us, forever. Some - in my opinion, most - of these changes have been positive. There are, however, drawbacks to having access to all kinds of information almost all of the time.

How It Used To Be

If Mr. Peabody were to take you on a trip in the Wayback Machine to witness the impact the Internet has had on entertainment, specifically serial drama, he might choose as a destination Pine Valley. Here, he would show you star-crossed lovers Jeff Martin and Mary Kennicott, who have overcome hurdle after hurdle and finally found their way to one another after years of struggle. They are newly married and in the process of adopting a young foundling named Tad. Yes, that Tad. It is an afternoon in 1975 and you are watching All My Children.

All seems normal. Mary arrives home from the grocers and finds two intruders in the house. She has stumbled upon burglars who have no intention of letting any eye-witnesses survive. When little Tad enters the apartment and finds his adoptive mother in the clutches of armed robbers, Mary causes a distraction that gives the boy just enough time to escape. Tad makes it out but Mary is shot dead by the intruders. It is a heart-breaking moment, and a shocking one. Mary is a major character, and a much beloved one. No one could have seen this coming. Every AMC fan sits still in shock, horror and sadness. It is, after all, 1975. The word "spoiler" isn't even a part of the television viewing lexicon.

The Tide Turns

The Internet has broken down many barriers to communication. In the process it has made secrets almost impossible to keep. In 1975 there was really only one game in town, when it came to getting news about soap operas: a new magazine called Soap Opera Digest. For the most part, SOD consisted of re-caps and interviews. The recaps were mainly aimed at women who, for whatever reason, had missed their soaps and wanted to catch up. Remember, this was before VCRs, let alone TIVO, Youtube or Soapnet. You'd buy a copy of SOD to find out what had happened on your favorite show last month, and to read an interview with Susan Lucci or Robin Strasser. Actors who were interviewed never gave away any upcoming story lines. Instead, Lucci might talk about what it was like when fans saw her at the airport and made comments about Erica's latest evil-doings. Back then, the closest you'd come to a spoiler would be an announcement about someone joining the cast of a soap and, really, announcements like this were only made when it came to known entities. When George Reinholt and Jaqueline Courtney, who had been incredibly popular on Another World joined the cast of One Life To Live, it was news, at least for soap viewers. And soap news was most definitely not mainstream news. Again, this was before Luke and Laura broke through that fourth wall. In 1975 - and for many years after - soap opera viewers were an almost negligible niche market. What's more, television viewing was a strictly passive activity. In 1975, we sat back and watched. This isn't to say that we didn't react to what happened on the screen - of course we did. If something was sad, we might get teary. If something was funny, we laughed. Soap viewers, especially, have always been heavily invested. A habit I still have today is that of talking to the television: "Oh, Erica, shut up." "It serves you, right, Nikki, for thinking Victor is anything but a control freak, after all these years."

Today, television viewers don't just react to what happens on the screen - they gather to dissect it, they write blogs and articles and even university level papers that critique it, and they mobilize to shape it. The Internet and its capabilities as a powerful networking tool has turned television viewing into an interactive experience. Viewers are no longer content to just watch what happens. Fans of a specific show can hold virtual screening parties online and discuss the action in real time. Your favorite character has been killed off? You don't have to accept this - why not start a global Internet campaign to bring him back from the dead? Sick of reading other people's opinions about your favorite show? Start a blog or an online forum. After all, what makes the people who write Soap Opera Digest any better at watching television and forming opinions than you are?

There's The Rub

So, we now have a community of television viewers who are also self-proclaimed know-it-alls/critics/reporters. And, no, I don't exempt myself from this group because: hey - most of what I've written about on this blog during the last year has had to do with television. (Superhero Lunchbox used to be a very different blog, but older content has been deleted.) In addition, the Internet makes it possible for people such as myself to communicate not only with other television viewers from around the globe, but with television actors, writers, casting directors, and journalists. In many ways, the barriers that once existed between television viewing and television production no longer exist. If you don't think this is true, think about this: in the grand scheme of things I am nobody - just someone who likes to watch television and happens to enjoy the Internet. This is unremarkable. It describes about 90% of the people I know. I do not hold a degree in television production or broadcasting. I have never worked for a television network or motion picture producer. I am not an actor. The writing I've had published has had absolutely nothing to do with television or entertainment, at all. I don't have an uncle in the business. I am just someone who likes to watch television and dissect it. Big deal. In 1975, this would have earned me a seat on the couch and a subscription to TV Guide. In 2010, it means I interact (mainly via Internet and telephone) with television actors, writers, casting directors, and journalists. And this isn't remarkable. Anyone with a Facebook or Twitter account can reach out and start a conversation - there's no guarantee anyone will respond, but my experience tells me that lots of people do. Let's put it this way: if I can get interviews with actors, have long talks with writers and get casting directors to read my email and follow up with phone calls, anyone with a PC and an Internet connection can.

Television is no longer just a spectator sport.

Monster in a Box

With this shift in paradigm comes some problems. If the Internet makes it possible, in theory, for everyone to share information, it also means the chances of keeping anything a secret are next to nil.

In 2009, as Guiding Light was winding down, I was privy to some information about the show that some of the TPTB wanted to keep under wraps. Again, there is nothing exceptional about me as a television viewer or as a blogger. The moment I got wind of this information I thought to myself, "If someone connected to the show sees fit to tell me about this it means there are lots of others - people with actual credentials - who know about it, and probably have for a long while." One of these bits of information was Maureen Garrett's return to the GL set in the role of Holly. It was presented to me as something GL wanted to keep under wraps - a bit of a gift to the loyal viewers. I remember getting this information, being really excited that my favorite GL actor would be back, and thinking, "I won't leak this, but this secret won't keep for long." Two weeks after I learned of it, news of Garrett's return to GL was all over the Internet. Some people were happy to have gotten the "scoop." I thought it was kind of sad that die-hard GL fans were deprived of what could have been a pretty cool surprise. But, as I said - I knew that if I had been told, many, many others had also been told, and at least one person was going to let the cat out of the bag. It was inevitable.

Now, I'm not naive enough to believe that every leak is accidental. Planting stories and planning leaks is the bread-and-butter of entertainment PR. But I do know there was at least some desire to end the show with a few surprises, and that just was not ever going to happen. So strong was the desire to keep certain details under wraps, that one of the interviews I conducted for The Guiding Light Project was granted only under the condition that a P&G representative be present to make sure there was no specific discussion of the final episodes, and that the actor didn't inadvertently slip up and tell me more than I was supposed to know. This effort turned out to be moot, as well: the specific details that the P&G exec took such pains to guard became common knowledge when a cameraman posted still photos of the final days of shooting on Twitter.

Fallout

Last week, One Life to Live aired what (while badly executed, IMO) was clearly intended to be a Mary Kennicott moment: the big reveal about Tea still being alive. Is there a single viewer who was genuinely shocked? Did anyone believe, for even a minute, that she was dead? Stories about Florencia Lozano's being let go from OLTL, only to be rehired (thanks, in part, to noise made by fans) had been circulating for months. We knew Tea might be gone for a little while, but we also knew she wasn't really dead. What could have and should have been a classic, "OHMYGOD, TEA'S ALIVE!" moment fell flat. Hear that sound? It's the sound of crickets chirping. And here's the thing - while soap viewers love continuity and familiarity, we also love waiting to see what happens next. As serial dramas, they're meant to carry over from one episode to the next with some semblance of suspense. And we really love a good shocker. Remember when AMC's Cliff, heartbroken that Nina had perished in a plane crash, stood in front of an elevator whose doors opened to reveal...Nina - alive and well!?!?! Or the wedding where "Adam"'s mask was pulled off to reveal GL's Roger, back from the dead? Or every, single time James Stenbeck shocked the hell out of Barbara by showing up, again? Those were true shockers. Those were scenes with which to end a Friday episode...scenes that guaranteed viewers would be back on Monday. That element of surprise no longer exists. Nothing about the big reveal regarding Tea compelled me to go back for more on Monday.

There can be no more Mary Kennicott, Nina Warner, Roger Thorpe or James Stenbeck moments. In a world where your favorite soap writer is your pen pal, and your favorite actor is part of your Mafia Wars family, the air of mystery is all but gone. The monster is out of the box, and he's got no plans to crawl back in.

Dribs and Drabs

2010-09-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

Time, again, to ramble on a little bit.

The World Stops Turning

Yes, it's over. As The World Turns took its final spin and, while I think it's sad that this genre is slowly dying, I can't say this particular show was worth saving. ATWT had been a mess for a long time. During the last year the writers were phoning it in. It must be frustrating to work for a show that noone wants to support. I'd rather forget the show that ran for the last year or so, and remember the glory days, when ATWT was must-see daytime television. In my opinion, ATWT hit its peak during the days of Josh and Iva's secret coming out into the open....

...and Casey's begging Margo to show mercy, pull the plug, and allow him to die with dignity.

That's the show it's a shame to have lost.

The Mad Women

Can I just say that if you could merge Joan and Peggy, that's the woman I want to marry?

"I'm Stupid"

Republicans Hating Gays? Who'da Thunk?

Someone on the government payroll is using our time and, technically, our PC, to spread hate about the gays. And it ain't a democrat.

File Under WTF?

A tornado hit my old neighborhoodin Brooklyn last week. I have a friend in Chacago who laughed and said "We call that a little wind." Nah, sorry. We had weather as windy as Chicago has when Ilived in Wellington. THIS was a fucking tornado.

This is around the corner from my old house:

The World According to Tina

2010-09-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

Before I start writing a review of Tina Sloan's book, Changing Shoes, let's get a couple of things out of the way:

1. I'm a life-long fan of soaps
2. Being a life-long fan of soaps, I've watched Tina Sloan and been a fan of hers since her days on
    Somerset
3. Having interviewed Tina and interacted with her on a personal level, I find her to be a gracious,
    charming, lovely person.
4. None of these things would make me give a book a positive review if it didn't deserve it. Books play way
   too much of an important role in my life for me to take a dive, so to speak.

With that out of the way, let's get on to the subject at hand: Changing Shoes. For a year or so friends and fans of Tina Sloan have heard about the book she was working on. Some folks had the advantage of having seen the one-woman show the book is based on, and had an idea what was in store for them. I haven't caught Tina's show. All I knew about Changing Shoes was what Tina had told me when I interviewed her, and what she's shared about it on Facebook and Twitter. I wasn't really sure if I'd be reading a memoir, a self-help book, a tell-all expose'...or what. At various times during the past year, Tina has spoken about her aging parents, her days as a model and young actress, the changes that she has undergone as she's aged, her time on the set of movies and television shows, her relationships with family and friends...and she's talked about them in the context of Changing Shoes. For a while there I found myself thinking, "What in the world is this book going to be about? What can the narrative voice possibly be, if not schizophrenic?" As most of you know, the book was released last week and, if you're anything like me, you devoured it in record time.

Everyone has interesting things in their life. I mean it. Everyone. Every life is full of funny or sad or ironic stories, coincidences, accidents, tragedies, etc. For the most part, this doesn't amount to much. Having a good story and being able to tell a good story - these are two very different things. Tina Sloan not only has a treasure trove of good stories, she's one hell of a storyteller. In answer to my own question - "What can the narrative voice of Changing Shoes be...?" - reading Changing Shoes feels like meeting a good friend at a favorite coffee house, sitting down on a comfy couch, and asking her, "How on earth did you get from where you started to where you are today?"

The book opens with Tina coming to the realization that she's reached a stage in life where all eyes are no longer on her, but on the much younger woman next to her. From here, she takes the reader on a narrative journey through different parts of her life. We make brief stops at her Catholic high school in New York, Paris -where she comes into her own under the guidance of a wise and liberated woman with heaps of finesse, her early days as a model and actress in NYC, marriage, motherhood, career, the steady decline and eventual death of her parents, and a bunch of other places. I'd wondered if Changing Shoes would be a memoir, a self-help book, an expose'....the answer is, it's all of these things. I have to say, though, as an expose', it's very gentle. Long-time soap fans will have fun wondering/trying to figure out who it was that wore a baseball cap to hide the evidence of too many facelifts because, when it comes to this sort of stuff, Tina isn't naming names. This makes Tina's narrative voice more likable - she can tell a great story, but she's not out to smear anyone. Everyone likes a good storyteller, but nobody likes a bitch, and there's not a hint of bitchiness in Changing Shoes. If you're hoping to read the dirty secrets and scandals from behind the scenes at Guiding Light, this isn't the book for you. If, on the other hand, you're interested in how, during a time when most characters over 40 were being shoved asside, Tina not only managed to remain employed, but ended the run of GL with a front-and-center romance, you've come to the right place. You've come to the right place, too, if you want to hear the straight dope from a woman who hasn't had plastic surgery, doesn't plan to have plastic surgery, and isn't afraid to be honest about her age.

The section of Changing Shoes which deals with Tina's parents and their last years was something I found especially moving. It's an important story she tells, of having to cope with the mixed emotions that the failing health of a parent can bring. Most people are afraid to talk about how frustrating it can be to watch our parents get old, or how guilt drives a lot of what we do,when it comes to caring for them. Still fewer people are able to discuss the inevitable feeling of relief that comes when a person who has lived with prolonged illness finally dies. It's something we all experience, but it's something of a taboo. Having recently lost my mother, this section of the book was painful, but also a catharsis. While I miss my mother terribly, I've also experienced a sense of relief since she passed; no longer do I worry that every late-night phone call is THE phone call I've dreaded. Tina discusses this frankly - the fact that loving one's parents and being devoted to them does not make caring for them an absolute joy, and that the range of emotions that comes with this experience is not only natural, but universal.

Tina gets brownie points for managing to tell stories about her interaction with famous people without being a showoff. When she relates a story about Jodie Foster it doesn't feel as if she's bragging about having worked with a major movie star. Quite the opposite - it reminds us that Jodie Foster may be a movie star, but she's also just a woman...a woman Tina Sloan happened to have worked with, once. This, ultimately, is what makes Changing Shoes such an enjoyable read. It's not really about a soap star. It's Everywoman's story. The names and dates and specific details may be different, but the fundimental truths are the same: girls become women, young women become middle-aged women who become older women, parents live and die, kids grow up, people laugh, cry, complain, and make mistakes. It's how each of deals with these parts of life that matters.

I realize this may not be the most interesting book review, as I have nothing but good things to say about Changing Shoes. It's well written. It's touching. It's funny. It's juicy. It's full of homespun wisdom about things you never thought you'd hear homespun wisdom about. Tina Sloan will not tell you how to make a perfect pie crust, but she will give you tips on the best hormonal supplements to take if you want to kick up a sagging libido, but don't want to grow a moustache. You don't get that kind of advice every day.

CPR for Y&R

2010-09-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's read my ramblings for any length of time knows I have a soft spot for Y&R. When Y&R is good, it's damned good. Unfortunately, it's been so long since it's been good, I've almost forgotten what good looks like.

Genoa City has become a mess of soap opera cliches, bad storytelling, terrible casting, and missed opportunities. All hope is not lost, though. It's not too late to get the #1 rated daytime drama back on track. In its favor, Y&R has some really good writers, talented actors, strong history to draw from, what would appear to be a more generous budget than the other daytime dramas still on the air, and good ratings. If it's going to remain a well-rated show, something's got to give. Actually, A LOT has to happen, if I'm ever again going to rave about Y&R, but change has to start somewhere, and here's where I suggest the changes begin.

Ten Things That Can Be Done To Make Y&R Watchable, Again

1. Rely on the tried and true. Time and again, during the last year or so, viewers have commented on how damned good Y&R is when Beth Maitland is on the screen. Maitland is a rivetting actor with tons of charisma. What's more, her character, Traci Abbott, is one we know and love. People who watch soaps are in it for the long haul. We love the continuity. We love knowing a character over the years, and riding the roller coaster with them. The tried and true is always a good bet. Give us more Traci, more Nina (Tricia Cast kicked ass this week), meatier storylines for Paul. Hell, I even liked having Cricket around the last few weeks, and I was never a big Cricket fan. The fact is these are all good actors/interesting characters. Fans of Y&R already know and love them. We know they can carry a story. Let them have it. Familiarity is one of the things soap fans tune in for.

2. No more gimmicks, at least for a while. No more switched babies, no more plastic surgery, no more look-alikes, no more locking people up in makeshift dungeons, no more people rising from the dead, ok? Give it a fucking rest, and concentrate on character-driven stories.

3. If I want to know what Paris Hilton is up to, I'll tune in to E! I don't give a damn about the real Paris Hilton, and I really, truly don't give a damn about Genoa City's faux Paris Hilton. Basing a whole story line on a person whose real life is sickening is a bad, bad idea. Drop it. I don't care about Abby Newman's life as a celebutante. Nobody does.

4. Legacy characters - you've got them...use them. You know what works? Billy and Victoria as a couple. I like them. I don't even like Victoria, but I love me some Billy, and I love the idea of the Newmans and Abbotts once again finding their lives intertwined. Romeo and Juliet was already an old story when William Shakespeare got his hands on it, but he knew a good story when he stumbled upon it. This is good stuff. The stuff good soap is made of. Because it's not just about Billy and Victoria...it's about Victor and Jack and and Nikki and Ashley and every ugly piece of history the Abbotts and Newmans have shared. It's maybe THE story that really matters in Genoa City.

5. Gay it up, or forget it. Rafe is gay. Big deal. If it doesn't come to anything, who cares? If you're not going to give Rafe a storyline where his sexuality actually comes into play, I don't give a damn that he's gay. You don't get a medal for just having a guy admit he likes other guys. And, I know this will make some people really angry, but Thom Bierdz is not a good actor. He just isn't. The fact that he's a gay man does not make him well suited to play the only other gay character in Genoa City. Rafe is a nice enough guy, and a handsome enough guy. How about having him hook up with a romantic counterpart who isn't 1) a psychopath pretending to be gay (Adam) or 2) a boring schlub played by a really bad actor (Phillip)? Jabot is a cosmetics company, for heaven's sake. Do you mean to tell me there's not one other queer in a city that's basically a cosmetic firm's company town????

6. If it's broken, fix it. One thing Y&R has traditionally been good at is recognizing when things aren't going well. This has fallen by the wayside, though. If something is a mess, and the writing is on the wall, Y&R execs need to pounce while the iron is hot, and make changes. Chance is a poorly written character and the actor chosen for it may be handsome and have a following, but he's about as interesting as a bowl of white rice. This has been clear from day one. Why this has been prolonged is beyond me. Clementine Ford as Mac is a disaster. A bore. Again, this was clear the minute she got on board. Nothing personal, but she's not the right person for the role and, frankly, no one cares about the character. Why is she still in the role and why is the character still relevant? The whole nonsense with Kay Chancellor's long lost son? It never worked. Stephen Nichols has never fit in at Y&R. This was clear early on. Why let him keep chugging along? If something is broken, you don't wait for it to repair it self - you fix it.

7. Recognize the best of the 'new' talent. It's not always about sticking with the old. Y&R has some great "new" talent. Elizabeth Hendrickson is awesome, and Chloe is so promising, but she's languishing due to por story line. Chloe and Chance were never interesting or sexy. Give this woman a worthy co-star who she shares some chemistry with (Jeff Branson???) and provide them with a solid story line that people actually want to watch. Also, Hendrickson and Tricia cast have great chemistry...they remind me of Kay and Jill, the early years. Let this bird fly, baby!

8. Leave the comfort zone. Lauren Fenmore has been a nice character for so long, we've almost forgotten what a brat she was when we first met her. The set-up of Jill as the bastard Fenmore sibling was cheesy and gimmicky, but what's done is done, and they might as well make the most of it. This is Lauren's chance to get back to being the spoiled brat we all know she really is. There's a rich bitch inside of Lauren Fenmore, just dying to get out. As for Jill, face it: she's most fun and interesting when she's in a catfight with another female. The days of Jill and Kay going at it full force are just about over. She needs a formidable opponent, and Lauren could suit that purpose. To make it interesting, why not make Jill better at running the Fenmore empire than Lauren ever was?

9. Expand Phyllis' sphere. I love Phyllis but, for too long now her entire universe has consisted of Nick, Nick, and more Nick. Michelle Stafford is a great actress, and she's capable of doing so much more than she's been doing for the last two years. Phyllis and Nick are over. So over. Let it die. No one wants to watch Phyllis beg Nick to love her for the umpteenth time. I want to see her kick Nick in the balls. Or dump a load of manure on Sharon's lawn. Better still, I want Phyllis to get deeply embloiled in a story line that has absolutely nothing to do with Nick, at all. Great character, great actor...she's on contract...use her, dammit. She's good for so much more than just being the devoted wife who stands by and lets her husband make a fool of her.

10. A lot of people want Dru back, but that won't happen. For far too many reasons to go into, I don't have a hope in hell that Victoria Rowell will be back on the set of Y&R, EVER. That leaves us with Drucilla's pathetic, little family and, frankly, they're not cutting it. Here's the thing - I don't believe...I've NEVER believed that Dru would end up with a bland, boring, milquetoasty daughter as played by Christel Khalil. The Winters family is lacking in spunk, and Lily is where it should come from. If viewers won't get the satisfaction of getting Dru back, Y&R should infuse the character of Lily with a lot more of the characteristics that made Dru so damned likable: a tougher attitude, a more outspoken demeanor, a lot less gentility. Frankly, Khalil doesn't have the chops for this, and a recast is in order. If we're ever going to care about any of the Winters family, and if there's ever going to be a chance for Dru's legacy to be passed down, this is pretty much it.

Dribs and Drabs

2010-08-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

A more in-depth, nerdy dissection of Y&R is on the way, but can I just say they need to give the whole business of babies going missing and being found 20 yrs later a fucking break? Questionable parentage/childhood kidnapping seems the order of the day in Genoa City, and it's just dumb. In the last year this has been a theme for Cain, Jill (numerous times), Tucker, Nina's missing baby (I don't even know that guy's name. I don't freaking care.), the evil, kidnapping siblings who kidnapped Lauren, and Sharon's baby. Have a I missed anyone?

OLTL seems determined to suppress anything good and interesting and well-written, opting instead, on placing a focus on dumb plots (David and Dorian...James and Starr...Eli.)

Have you heard? BRENDA IS BACK!!!! Yeah. You heard. I heard. Everyone heard. Over and over, again, we heard. Know what? We heard so much about it that no one bothered tuning in to GH. BTW, several people asked why my daytime report card blog didn't mention B&B or GH. I don't watch either on a consistant enough basis to form any real opinion, other than that I don't like them. And before you write tell me I'm an asshole for not liking something I don't watch: I used to watch both shows, but they got boring/stupid, so I ditched them. Maybe they're just amazing, now but, based on what I've seen, I doubt it. Either way, there was no point including them when I don't really have enough of a clue about them as they are today to have an opinion.

There's now a spunky, Borhemian lesbian character on Mad Men. Let's see if she can go the distance and if there will be a story for her, or if she quietly disappears like other queers on this show in the past. As much as I liked Sal, and felt for him, getting rid of him made sense: no way would a guy like Don be A-Ok with keeping the fag around...especially not when someone needed to take a fall. On the other hand, Mad Men has twice dangled carrots before us, only to back out on developing any real story lines: early on, Joan's female roomate declared her love for Joan. Did I expect a full-on lesbian affair? Nope, not a chance. But it could have been interesting to see more of Joan's home life...maybe integrate her feeling uncomfortable with the living situation with her rushing to marry a moron. Later, we met the young, Eurotrashy ad man who disclosed to Peggy that he was a homosexual. It seemed like the writers were developing a friendship story line between him and Peggy. I liked that. It went nowhere, though, and the character? He must be hanging out somewhere with Chuck, from Happy Days.

My friends at Dayplayer Dish are on a serious roll. They scored an interview with Victoria Rowell last week, and will this weekend be interviewing the cast of The Bay. Check out Lee and Lauren's archived interviews, and their fun blog.

Tina Sloan, whose book is due out any day, has a really moving video up on the Penguin Publishing channel at Youtube. Pre-orders for her book, Changing Shoes, can be made at Amazon, and count towards first week sales, which is one way the NY Times Best-Seller List is compiled. There's a substantial discount on the cover price buying through Amazon, too. (Also Barnes and Noble and Borders) Evidently the NY engagement of Tina's one-woman show has sold out. If you're hoping to catch her when she passes through your town, it'd be a good idea to get tickets ASAP, before they sell out. Tina has been a good friend to the Superhero Lunchbox, and is an all-around awesome person - break a leg, Tina!

Kim Zimmer is set to return to OLTL as Echo DeSavoy. Remember her? I sure do, but I'm not sure how or why she'd come back to Llanview. Whatever. Kim Zimmer is a lot of fun, and it's nice to see she was wrong about Reva being the last role anyone would ever give her. She's always had a solid fan base, so who knows? Maybe this will bode well for OLTL's ratings. I kind of think nothing can save this show from getting the axe, now, though.

The trailer for the second season of Venice is up. Is there anyone not in it? It looks dumb, and the use of the word "soonish" makes me cringe.

Starlet, socialite, Empire guest star and professional funster Von Hottie has some advice for..um...your first time.

Another beached whale tragedy in New Zealand - this time 58 whales, in all, were stranded on Karikari Beach. When I lived in NZ, these strandings seemed to happen all the time, and they were always heartbreaking. On the other hand, I never cease to be moved by the way people gather from all over to try and save these majestic creatures. Seeing as how I'm often convinced human beings suck, this is the sort of thing that makes me feel good about people if only for a few minutes.

Favorite thing of the week: Ripping Rush Limbaugh a new one

Daytime Report Card

2010-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

Some people consider daytime drama to be the dinosaur of television. It's certainly in grave danger of becoming extinct, that's for sure. In fact, the writing is on the wall: there won't be any daytime soaps in a few years. Are the people who write and produce these shows doing anything to stave off this inevitable demise? Are they being effective? We now know that letter-writing campaigns from viewers are a waste of time, energy and paper. The ball is squarely in the hands of the networks and owners of the various soaps - those that remain. So....how are they doing?

As The World Turns
Sorry, folks, but it's dead in the water, and it's not going out with a bang, but with a whimper.
I haven't been a regular viewer for a while but, for heaven's sake, I do know these folks couldn't even bother to give the great Julianne Moore, who returned for one day as Frannie Hughes, more than one line. Really? I know there couldn't have been a full-fledged story line written for her but, surely, they could haven given her something more meaty. ATWT's phenomenal botch-up job with Moore's return made GL's use of Maureen Garrett's stint look like a wealth of riches.

All My Children
Dare I say it? After more than a year of talking about how utterly unwatchable AMC had become, it's looking like soapdom's last, best hope. In many ways the show is still a mess, but there are glimmers of hope. The show's farewell to Palmer Cortland was perfect, and that final scene with Dixie? Corny? Yes. Cheesy as all-out? Yes. Did I love it? Hell, yes. Someone at AMC is finally listening to what fans have been saying about history and legacy characters. Brooke's return to facilitate Adam Chandler's departure from Pine Valley was the very stuff we watch soaps for. (And, ridiculous as it seems, I take some credit for it...since I wrote a whole blog about how the only character who could bring some sense to the Adam/Annie situation would be Brooke.)

After serving as little more than wallpaper for over a year, Angie, Jesse, Tad and Erica have all been involved in key story lines, lately. And, yeah, Debbi Morgan is well into her 50s, but I can suspend disbelief and buy into the pregnancy story line because she doesn't look a day over 40, and it's so damned good to see one television's best actresses working, again. I'm also enjoying Vincent Irrizarry's David a whole lot more than I used to, and I've never been a huge V.I. fan. Whoever concocted the current story line for David is almost certainly an old-school Roger Thorpe fan, because the similarities are crystal clear. It's good material, and Irrizarry is more than up to it. Where they've failed, though, is in allowing us to like something - anything - about David. This is where history comes in. We loved Roger, even when he was at his worst, because we knew his history. He did awful things, but they made a certain kind of terrible sense to anyone who knew about Roger's roots, about his father, about how much he hated always being compared to Doctor Ed by the woman he loved. We don't have this with David. It makes no sense to me that he'd just up and buy Pine Valley hospital to - what? Get back at Angie and Frankie? Really? I don't buy it and I'm not feeling it. Like I said, Irrizarry is hitting it out of the park with this role, but he needs a little more meat to work with.

Recent Highlights:

Brooke and Erica scenes - Some things never get old.

Erica in the elevator with Greelee - The bitch is back.

Tad/Liza/Damon/Colby - history, history, history. I defy anyone who is old enough to remember Tad/Liza/Marion to not be drawn into this. It draws on history in the best way, and makes us actually care about two young legacy characters.

Recent Lowlights:

Anything having to do with Ryan Lavery - He's boring and dumb. Who cares?

Frankie and his annoying wife - Another story about how a career in modelling spells doom for a relationship? Really?

Jake and Amanda - Cheesy, and not in a good way. There's nothing to like or care about about either character.

Days of Our Lives
It's been many years since I was a regular viewer. The fact is, this show has been very bad for a very, very long time. Bad writing. Bad acting. Bad art direction. Bad music. Just plain, old bad in every way. I watched for the Alice Horton farewell, because Frances Reid's Alice was pretty much a key figure in my childhood. It was ok. I think AMC did a better job with their tribute to James Mitchell, but it was nice to see all the old footage. And that old footage was a reminder of how great this show once was. I also catch DOOL once in a while when I'm waiting for Y&R to begin on Soapnet. It's bad. Very, very bad. As annoying as I find Crystal Chappell post-Guiding Light, I have to be clear about one thing; the woman can act. Give her some decent material. I almost think she deserves a medal for just going to work every day. The show is THAT bad. What a ridiculous waste.

One Life To Live
OLTL is sometimes so freaking good, only to become so fucking bad. Right now, it's in a slump. What are the writers thinking about? A month ago I was singing the praises of OLTL for giving us Ford: a young guy who is gorgeous to look at, morally bankrupt, and 100% selfish. Llanview needed Ford, and I was really enjoying him. So, what do they do? They turn around and turn Ford first into a guy who really, really cares about Langston and about his brother. (Ok...so you've ignored him for years, even though you knew he was living in a terrible situation, but now that he's in town, you're suddenly Big Brother of the year? Huh?) Worse, still, Ford is now a VICTIM! Poor, little Ford is being victimized by Eli. YAWN!!! Where AMC has neglected to give us a reason to think of David as an antihero (as opposed to a plain, old villain), OLTL is going overboard with trying to softsoap Ford and spoon-feed us a sob story about his past. The whole Inez thing? Spare me.

Another epic failure: the youth storyline. Back in the day, Guiding Light had the four musketeers. We liked them. They were cute. We cared about them. We really wanted Phillip and Beth to end up together. The fact that GL returned to this, so many years later, and wrapped up by pairing off Beth and Phillip, Rick and Mindy speaks volums about just how invested viewers were in these characters as a unit. The chemistry just isn't there for Marco, Langston, Cole and Starr. I don't care. I didn't care that Langston was unfaithful. I didn't care when Marco finally left town. I don't care that Cole is leaving the show. I don't care about Starr, at all. I just don't care.

Recent Lowlights:
David Vickers/Dorian Lord - That crap is enough to make me cringe.

Twin sisters, both preggers - Puh-leeze.

John Mcbain - That corny-ass, breathy voice....the nostril-flair method of acting...it's all crap.

Jessica Leccia - Wow. Seriously? Are you really that bad an actor when Crystal Chappell isn't in the room? Ouch.

Nora and Bo - The dumbest soap wedding of the year, and it took about two weeks to get through it.

Rex and Gigi - Just shut up.

Recent Highlights:

Tea, Tea, and more Tea.

Todd taking Cole aside and explaining to him that, no, he's not a softer, more gentle Todd, AT ALL.

Young and the Restless

The only thing I can say is...what in the world are they thinking?

Ma: 1944-2010

2010-07-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

Parody The Parody

2010-06-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Love it or hate it, Venice: The Series has made its mark on the world of made-for-web entertainment. (For the record, I really hate it.) It's been noticed. Lots of people bought the panties, paid their $10 for the sub, bought the hat, the t-shirt, the drink bottle, the mug. Some will even be nutty enough to shell out $150 for the up-coming Venice meet. It may be a small cult, but it's a cult. As with any cult, parody was inevitable. It might be that there are several people parodying the adventures of Crystal and Kimmy and Team V, but the only one I know about is the shrouded-in-mystery Webseries the Webseries.

Episode one of WtW introduces us to Jules - an unemployed television actresss who has just come off a wildly popular same-sex story line on a recently-cancelled cop drama, Gotham Vice. Yeah, that's right..Gotham Vice. I'll tell you right now: this thing is chock full references that make it clear who the primary audience is meant to be. Jules, egged on by her somewhat...um...anxious best friend, Pam, gets involved in the world of internet-based fandom and live chat boards, and eventually gets talked into producing and starring in her own lesbian-themed web series. Sound familiar? It should.

The story continues in episodes 2 and 3, with additional characters being introduced, various minor conflicts arising, a lot of booze, and plenty of laughs. Also available for your viewing pleasure are bonus clips of Gotham Vice, and a 'fan-made' music video using Gotham Vice footage. The bonus clips are so much like stuff we've really scene before, you may have to remind yourself that this is all a joke, and that there is no Gotham vice.

Viewer reaction to WtW has been mixed. Some people like it. Some people hate it. I've seen people remark that it's not a parody (sorry, but it is.) I've seen people comment that it's the greatest thing, ever (sorry, it isn't.) But it is pretty damned funny. The writer (who, BTW, no one seems able to track down) has nailed the funniest parts of fandom...not just Venice fandom, but ANY fandom: the desperate need some fans have to feel as if they're close to the object of their adoration, the crappy music videos and collages (sorry- some of that fan art is pretty bad), the memorizing of particular lines or scenes or gestures from a favorite show or movie, the re-enacting of scenes. It's all there. All of the obsessive stuff that we've seen people get lost in if not about Venice, then about Otalia, or Buffy or Xena or Deep Space 9. Also there: liberal guzzling of alcohol, sexual innuendo, and a whole mess of inside jokes.

The actress in the lead role of Jules, Butch Jerenic, is pretty great. Her comic timing is perfect, and she does a really great job of looking drunk. She brings a certain sweetness to a role that another actress could have easily made unlikable. Jo Jo Swanson starts out a little awkwardly in the role of Pam, but picks it up and, by episode 3, she's made Pam her own.

I wondered if anyone else would find humor in all of this, so I had two friends watch all three episodes - both are women who have never watched a web series, know nothing about soap operas, and have no clue who or what Otalia is. Both women remarked that they found Pam to be "creepy" but hilarious. They both also noted that every lesbian knows another lesbian like Pam. Both of them laughed out loud at the Gotham Vice scenes, comparing the so-bad-it's-good dialogue to various tv shows. Both women were puzzled by Jules' effeminate husband, but found his campiness funny. One of them, an IT professional, especially enjoyed the ineptness of the main characters when it comes to all things technical. What appeals to me, as someone who has watched a few web series, and gets all the inside jokes, is the way the people behind WtW seem to have covered all their bases: the Zazzle store offers "Team Trina" gear that's beyond ridiculous (sneakers???) and the Facebook group is just plain dopey. Can a $150-a-head Webseries the Webseries meet-and-greet be far off?

Well done. Keep it coming.

Look Homeward, Angel

2010-06-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Lisa, Brenda, Me - Christmas 1972

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. - Kahlil Gibran

Brenda surprising me at LAX, as I caught a connecting flight to NZ.

You're free, now, sweet cousin.

Brenda welcoming her second granddaughter to the world, 2007.

You had a great cheering section, little girl.

Cheers to you, Cuz. You always believed in indulging in the treats life had to offer. We honored you tonight with a toast, good food, and loving words to send you on your way.

Centennial

2010-05-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

In Puerto Rico, and Brooklyn - the two places my grandmother called home - it is already June 1, her 100th birthday. My grandmother, Celina Pacheco, isn't with us anymore. She died in 1991, after an ugly, but thankfully short, decline into dementia. If you knew Celina, you knew that dementia was the worst thing that could happen to such a brilliant mind. She was a thinker. A keeper of memories. A storehouse of history. She was the greatest storyteller I have ever met, and I've known some pretty amazing storytellers. She had a quick wit, a sharp tongue, an infectious laugh, and a big, generous heart....especially when it came to children.

Celina had 9 children - all of them planned, all of them spaced out in two year intervals, and she mourned the loss of a tenth child who didn't make it to term. She loved motherhood, and she adored grandmotherhood. Children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, she raised children almost until the day she died. She was good at it. No, she was fucking GREAT at it. If it's true that anyone is born with a natural calling, my grandmother was born to care for babies, nurture young children, and guide tweens and teens into adulthood.

If some genie were to appear and ask me to choose between a million dollars and one wish, I'd take the one wish. My wish would be one more day with my grandmother as I remember her, when she was at her best. Drinking coffee, riding the subways of NYC all over the five boroughs to visit childhood friends, scratching my back, telling wonderful stories about her admittedly bratty childhood, arguing with my grandfather - who she'd known since childhood, and who she adored, always. And, if I had that day, I'd tell Celina the things I never got around to telling her when she was alive: That, if there's any little thing about me that's like her, it must be the best thing about me. That I consider it an honor to have been loved, nurtured, and raised by a woman with such Mana. That it makes me sad my nieces and nephews never knew her. That not a day has gone by since 1991 when I haven't thought about her. That I never knew I could miss anyone as much as I still miss her.

Happy Birthday, Celina.

The Men

2010-05-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

A while back, I responded to the WLS list of greatest women on soaps list with my own list. Last week, WLS completed their list of greatest men. Again, the results are somewhat controversial. Again, fans are responding. Equal time for the men. I must note, however, that soaps have long been the domain of women. IMO, there have been more strong, interesting, talented women on daytime than men. This isn't to say that there haven't been some truly great male actors in the genre but, the truth must be told: the genre has, for the most part, been one that caters to a female audience interested in seeing their own lives - and their own fantasy lives - portrayed. These lives - and fantasies - are not always about girl-meeting-boy, or women needing men in order to succeed. Note, though, that so many of the men I've chosen have as a benchmark of their greatness, their ability to work well opposite their female co-stars. I'm not sure a male actor can attain greatness in this genre if he doesn't have what it takes to work alongside women as his peers.

Here, then, my list of the greatest male actors of daytime drama:

Michael Zaslow - I've definitely got a bias, and I freely admit it. Zaslow was the best in the business. Charismatic, commanding, but also subtle and vulnerable, Zaslow's Roger Thorpe was the stuff of soap opera legend. I don't know that any two actors in daytime have matched the chemistry shared by Michael Zaslow and Maureen Garrett - chemistry that was as palpable in the 90s as it was 20 years before, when they first started working opposite one another. Something about his portrayal of Roger Thorpe always broke my heart, even as Roger behaved like a monster. Inside of that monster was a vulnerable boy, and Michael Zaslow knew how to make just a little bit of that boy come to the surface. Zaslow's death left a void in the genre that many of us feel has never been filled.

David Canary - Canary did the seemingly impossible. AMC's Adam and Stuart Chandler couldn't have been more different, and Canary not only made each character three-dimensional, immediately recognizable, and attractive in very different ways, he did it consistently for 20 years. Brilliant. Adam and Brooke? One of the best couples, ever. Brownie points to Canary for his stint on AW. Who else but Canary could have stepped in to play AW's bigger-than-life Steven Frame after so many years of absence?

Larry Bryggman - An actor's actor. Bryggman has never had matinee idol looks to fall back on. With him, it's all about delivering a great performance, every single time. What more is there to say? Put him on the screen with Elizabeth Hubbard and I dare you not to watch.

Michael Levin - An Italian among Irish, Michael Levin's Jack gave Ryan's Hope a bit of a cynical edge. Always dependable, always likable, and just so damned real. When Mary Ryan died, we believed it, because Levin never let us forget it. He worked wonderfully with Kate Mulgrew and, once she was written off, his performance was often about her absence...not for a month, but for years. Ever the heart-broken widower, when the doors were shut on Ryan's Bar, it was a joy to see Levin's Jack get a happy ending, at last.

Joel Crothers - My earliest memories of Crothers are a hybrid of Somerset and Dark Shadows, but it was on Edge of Night, as Doctor Miles Cavanaugh, that he found his niche. Incredibly handsome, charming, warm and human...he was just a natural in front of the camera. An actor who was well aware that he'd probably be muddling through a lot of crap in between truly great scenes, but who never gave less than 100% of himself. Nancy Barrett, Tina Sloan, Holland Taylor, Sandy Faison...it didn't matter who his female counterpart was on screen...he was at his best when he worked opposite women. Some actors seem as if they're waiting for their next line. When Crothers shared the screen, he always seemed to be in the moment, listening just as we were. Like MIchael Zaslow, Joel Crothers was taken from us too soon. I was fortunate enough to meet Joel about a year before he passed away he was just what you'd expect: warm, friendly, charming, and with a big heart.

Gerald Gordon - Lots of this blog's readers are too young to have seen or even heard of The Doctors. Your loss. If you'd been around in the 70s you would have caught the great Gerald Gordon as Doctor Nick Belini. Unlike every other television doctor of the day, Nick Belini was gruff, a street kid who'd made good. Gordon never, ever played Belini as a Doctor Kildare clone. He was edgy. Good-looking in an off-beat way, ruggedly masculine, and irresistible to women. If George Clooney and House had an ass-baby, it would be Nick Belini. Of course, he managed this about 40 years before either of those TV docs was even an idea. And Nick's female counterpart? Doctor Althea Davis, played by none other than the great Elizabeth Hubbard. During an era when soaps were relatively tame, Nick and Althea were all about heat.

Stanley Kamel - You know his face from dozens of television shows and movies. Columbo. Hill Street Blues. Star Trek. His final role was on Monk. He was one of those "Hey, it's that guy!"s. To me, Stanley Kamel will always be Eric Peters, the handsome rake who strolled into town after his brother, Greg, and raped Greg's fiancee'. Kamel's Eric was intense - when he spoke you wanted to get in closer and hear what he had to say. His run on the show lasted only a year but, all these years later, it's still with me: the way he toyed with Susan months after the attack, and her never suspecting that he had been her attacker. Those scenes, which were part of DOOL's heyday, were remarkable. Two fine actors (Kamel and, as Susan, Denise Alexander) meshing and making the moment real and true. It's still chilling to think of how good they were together.

Honorable Mention

Benjamin Hendrickson - A great actor whose only reason for not making it to the main list is the fact that I never much cared for Hal Munson. Hendrickson's Hal was one of only two believable cops I can think of on daytime (the other being Another World's Gil McGowan.)

Justin Deas - Yeah, Hendrickson and Deas both actually belong on the main list. So, shoot me. From Ryan's Hope to ATWT to SB to GL, Deas has always delivered the goods. People who only know him from the annoying last couple of years of GL may find it difficult to believe that he belongs here, but he does. Forget latter day Buzz Cooper - when Deas has good material, he sets the screen on fire. And seriously - Keith Timmons.

Superhero

2010-05-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, I named and started this blog long before anyone said anything about a freaking superhero. (My oldest entries have been purged for personal reasons.) In fact, the blog's name has nothing to do with anything with that line of dialogue. Superhero Lunchbox refers to a project I've had in the works for years - a series of lunchboxes depicting my real-life superheroes: my grandmother, my mother, the women who have inspired me and helped shape me. Superheroes.

I come from a big family. I have 16 first cousins. I know all of them. We never needed outside friends, because there were always more than enough cousins to play with. B was always the best of all our cousins. Having been abandoned by her parents at a young age, B lived in our house. While our grandparents were B's guardians, my parents also took her under their wings. When we went to the movies, B came along. When we went to the beach, B was with us. At Christmas, there were presents under the tree for B. She was always more like a sister than a cousin. The best big sister anyone could dream of. B was the most fearless kid I'd ever seen. She'd jump down a whole flight of stairs, pick herself up, dust herself off, and walk away. We used to joke that she should become a stunt woman. B loved anything physical, and preferred to cartwheel her way down the block, rather than walk it. When a large group of cousins got together - sometimes 7 or 8 of us at a time - we'd often play "I dare B to -." I never saw her refuse or chicken out on a dare. She's taste anything, make any prank phone call, steal anything from any shop, ring anyone doorbell. She'd also squeeze herself into the tightest spaces, climb anything, and hold her breath for a ridiculously long time. When she was 9, my sister was 8 and I was 5 she concocted the most daring plot, ever: a seemingly fullproof plan to sneak down at night and unwrap every gift under our grandmother's Christmas tree, find out who was getting what, and then re-wrap them without leaving a trace. The plot, of course, failed. Children are not great at rewrapping gifts. But the story has become the stuff of family legend. Once, B got hit by a car and ended up with a broken arm. Do you remember how cool it was to have a cast when you were a kid? This clinched it - she was absolutely, positively the coolest person any of us knew.

When I was a kid, B was my personal Superhero.

In August 2008 B was diagnosed with stage 4 brain and lung cancer, and given four months to live. In typical fashion her response was, "Dying? Get the fuck out of here." Four months turned into six months turned into almost two years. Two weeks ago she had a grand mal seizure and was induced into a protective coma from which it was questionable if she would ever wake up. She did wake up. She woke up and spoke and asked for food, and tried to walk and asked when she could go home. She ate milk duds and drank a chocolate shake. We spoke on the phone. I told her I loved her. I told her she was my sister. I told her I wanted to see her. She said, "I love you, too, baby. Yes, come visit." I had plans to cook up a big, New York style Puerto Rican feast - the sort of food she can't get in Los Angeles, and take it down with me. Food, after all, is how my people show affection. Two days later, as I made travel plans, she fell into a coma and became completely unresponsive. The amazing medical team at Cedar Sinai told her son that there was nothing else they could do, and that the end had really and truly come. They said the time had come to move B to a hospice. B's brother - my cousin, P - refused. He didn't want his sister dying in a strange place. He moved her to his own apartment, where a hospice nurse is stationed. When I spoke to P he said, "I won't have her die alone. I'll be with her every minute. I won't have my baby sister die with strangers." B is 47 years old.

Tonight I'll fly down to L.A. How does one say goodbye to a Superhero?

We Are The Ones We've Dreaded - Apologies to Alice Walker, Hot Woman of Color

2010-05-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, whenever the news reported about some Puerto Rican guy shooting someone, or we'd hear about a family member in trouble with drugs or the law, my dad would say, "Damn it - sometimes I think we're our own worst enemy!" I know how he felt.

While the queer community makes noise about Prop 8, the Tea Party assholes, DADT, Obama, and a million other injustices, it keeps missing one very important point: sometimes we're our own worst enemy. Sometimes, the bad guy isn't a conservative talk show host or a liberal apologist, a self-righteous straight person, a hospital administrator, or a religious zealot. Sometimes the enemy is the gay boy next door who lacks compassion. Sometimes it's the lesbian who, given the opportunity to make a statement about the way the media portrays us chooses, instead, to perpetuate the myth of lesbians as angry, damaged, co-dependent losers. This week? This week our worst enemy is AfterEllen.com, the website that's supposedly created an online community for lesbians.

What, besides providing a messy, badly designed, poorly written online place for lesbians to get news, share ideas and chat about The L Word has AfterEllen.com done? I mean, it's an annoying site, but it's fun and harmless, right? Wrong. So wrong. This week AE unveiled their Hot 100 list because - hey, if straight guys get to objectify women, why shouldn't lesbians? And, really, being a lesbian really is all about women drooling over other women, and not a hell of a lot else. (And, before you send me emails about how the Hot 100 list is chosen based on so much more than looks and sex appeal, keep in mind the whole thing about the Miss America pageant being a scholarship competition.)

What's so bad about AE's Hot 100 list, you may ask? What's so bad is that it's not a list, it's lists. Plural. One list consists of out lesbians. One list consists of women over 40. The third list? WOMEN OF COLOR. That's right - there's a separate list of minority Sapphic hotness!

Why is this offensive, and why does it make me say that AE is our worst enemy this week? Think about it: when you make a list of hotness, and a separate list of ethnic hotness the implication is that one is REGULAR, and the other is, well, OTHER. According to AE, white is right and brown is a fetish. Way to go, AfterEllen.com - George Wallace would be proud of you!

As a "woman of color," I cordially invite the women of AfterEllen.com to kiss my fat, brown ass.

© 2010 Lana M. Nieves
Limited Licensing: I, the copyright holder of this work, hereby publish it under the Creative Commons Attribution license, granting distribution of my copyrighted work without making changes, with mandatory attribution to Lana M. Nieves and for non-commercial purposes only. - Lana M. Nieves

Pinup Queen Takes Empire By Storm: A Conversation with von Hottie

2010-05-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

She's the pinup queen of the new millenium. NYC's IT girl. Fun and fabulous and always at all the best places because wherever she is BECOMES the best place to be. She's von Hottie. You've spotted her at the slopes in St. Moritz, rocking a fake fur over her bathing suit. You've seen her strolling along the white sands of Miami Beach - how does she do that in heels??? Now, you can see her on Empire, where she's playing - what else? - her fabulous self...and sending the world of the Havens into a tailspin of scandal. How did the web soap score such a casting coup? I learned from none other than von Hottie, herself, who made time between public appearences to fill me in on her latest project. Fun-loving and full of laughter, I can't imagine anyone not being taken with her.

LN: First off, I have to tell you how much I love your work. You're the anti-Paris Hilton. What you do is just so fun and lovable.

vH: Good! Fun and lovable are exactly what von Hottie is supposed to be.

LN: I watched the video clip on your website - the one filmed at Coney Island. I loved it. For one thing, that's one of my favorite places in the world. But I also loved people's reactions to you.

vH: We filmed that for Current TV, and were also shooting pictures for the pinup calendar. It's funny - we were by the Freak Show, and I guess I expected them to be happy to have us there, maybe invite us in. The opposite was true. At first I felt bad, because the people on the boardwalk were all so into von Hottie. Then it occurred to me that they're in the freak business, and we were probably stepping all over their territory.

LN: When Sam (our mutual friend) sent me a message asking if I'd be interested in interviewing von Hottie, I thought for sure he was having me on. I think I told him I was holding out for an interview with Karen Black - I really thought he was joking.

vH: Sam and I were having cocktails and he said he had a friend who'd probably like to interview me. Next thing I knew he was tweeting away, and than taking our picture to send you.

LN: I demanded proof. I think I'll post that photo on my blog, if it's ok with you.

vH: Definitely post it! So many beautiful things happen over margaritas.

LN: So, I just watched the most recent episode of Empire, and it was a riot. How did you get involved with it?

vH: Brian Hewson (Empire's writer, along with Greg Turner) and I lived together a while back. Actually, Brian gave me cable. When we moved in together he couldn't believe I didn't have cable, and he had a whole list of shows that he regularly DVR'd, so he set me up with cable service. Once I got it, it was impossible to stop watching tv. I was also in a play that Greg wrote. Brian and Greg are more invested in their television viewing than anyone I've ever met. They're passionate about the programs they watch.

LN: Without giving anything away to people who haven't seen this episode, I'll just say that you end up in a compromising position at the end of the episode. Something we would never see on network television. How did that come about?

vH: Brian called to say that he was planning an epsisode that would end with a celebrity scandal, and he wondered if von Hottie could be the celebrity caught red-handed. I was definitely into it. There wasn't a script for that section yet, and Brian at first talked about the scandal being a celebrity caught snorting coke. I wasn't into that. Drug abuse isn't what von Hottie is about. So we worked on different ideas. Someone had the idea that von Hottie would be caught giving some guy a blow job, but that seemed like such a cliche'. It's been done to death. And then we realized that we had the perfect opportunity to do whatever we wanted to do. This is the internet - we can do things that won't ever get done on network television. We added the cut-out to make it into a sort of threesome, as a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the narcissism of self-made celebrity, and also an homage to Marilyn Monroe. She said something like, "Men want to go home with Marilyn, but they don't want to wake up next to Norma Jean."

LN: The cut-out is the funniest part of that scene, in my opinion. Was it fun to watch the episode, yourself?

vH: At the wrap party this past weekend they screened all of the episodes. It was bizarre because it went from high drama to bizarre comedy. I loved watching it with a bar full of people. When that last scene was over, this old, French guy at the bar leaned over and said, in a thick accent, "Good for you!" I think he wanted to invite me to the bathroom.

LN: Of course I noticed when you were first mentioned on Empire - I think it was the first episode of the season, and Orlagh Cassidy's character sees your column in a tabloid and refers to you as a hussy.

vH: They put my name on the front cover of the tabloid on the show, and then we actually did get into Soap Opera weekly, which was so exciting.

LN: Will we see more of you on Empire?

vH: I won't be acting in any more episodes this season, but my presense will definitely be felt. Of course, there might be a sort of Betty White effect, where the public demands more von Hottie in season 3.

LN: I may just have to start a Facebook group. How familiar were you with soap operas before getting involved with Empire? Had you ever watched?

vH: When I was in high school, I used to rush home to watch General Hospital with my stepmother. I loved it. That was during the Luke/Laura/ Lucky era. But then my favorite character, Stone, died of HIV, and I was inconsolable. I couldn't watch anymore.

LN: And you say Brian and Greg are the most invested television viewers you know?

vH: It's true, I've been pretty invested, too. The annual nurse's ball on General Hospital has been a great inspiration to me. I remember one birthday party, where I planned costume changes midway through. My stepmother thought it was a bit much, but I got the idea from the nurse's ball and I stuck with it.

LN: I'd almost forgotten the nurse's ball! My partner is a nurse - I'm pretty sure she'd throw up if I told her about the nurse's ball. You know, a hospital set is the one thing Empire doesn't have. Most soaps have some sort of medical story line. Maybe they need a hospital.

vH: Or they could just have a doctor. Maybe the guy who played Stone on General Hospital.

LN: You said before that you were excited when the scene with Orlagh made it into Soap Opera Weekly. I imagine you get recognized a lot on the street.

vH: I'd like to say it happens every day but, in reality, it's happened maybe five times. von Hottie is more about creating the illusion of global fame.

LN: And these days, that's completely possible. So many people who are famous are famous for no reason other than that they've decided to be famous.

vH: Yeah, and bringing it back to Empire, it's the same thing. Sort of like good, old American ingenuity. If someone like Brian and Greg wants to make a soap - they make a soap. I love that.

LN: Like this blog. I'm amazed when I write something and then find out that like 500 people have read it. I don't even know 500 people - but soap fans and bloggers are, for the most part, really nice and generous. They're cool about posting links to stuff they find on the web.

vH: Oh, that's really sweet, that you all watch out for each other. It seems there's this enormous community of soap fans who are losing the thing they love.

LN: I found out about Empire because Roger Newcomb at We Love Soaps promoted it a lot. Once I watched it, the thing I liked about it right away was that it was clearly written by people who love soap opera. I almost get a sense of that "let's put on a show" spirit from a Judy Garland movie. Network soaps are dying, but guys like Brian and Greg are putting on their own show.

vH: Absolutely. And it's the internet, so they can have as much making out as they want!

LN: I know! I love it that we see Cain and his boyfriend making out just because that's what couples do.

vH: Television has had some stuff like that, shows like The L Word. But usually it's all dramatic and stuff. I love tht the gays on Empire just make out because it's what couples do. I appreciate the making out. Brian and Greg have these online viewer polls to find out what people want, and that's what they want - more making out.

LN: Which, believe it or not, is a big deal. Empire is sort of the little soap-opera-that-could, because they're doing what networks couldn't or wouldn't do. Even in 2010, soaps pretty much always flake out when it comes to showing gay couples. So, yeah, your friends are doing something really significant when they include all of that making out.

vH: Hopefully more people will produce more content like this that does stuff the television people won't do.

LN: I'm not going to take any more of your time, but we've got to have drinks next time I'm in NY.

vH: Definitely.

LN: And I'm going to start that Facebook group. More von Hottie in season 3.

Check out more von Hottie

von Hottie Pinup and Guru

Empire: The Series

La Lumiere: A New Light in Town

2010-05-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

When Guiding Light wrapped in September of last year, long-time fans were left with a void. The overwhelming response to the So Long, Springfield tour, fan reaction to having actors such as Tina Sloan and Beth Chamberlin on Twitter, and on-going efforts by fans to revive the classic soap stand as testament to the sense of loss so many fans have experienced. While some may still be unable to accept it the fact is, Guiding Light is gone for good. It was a joyful moment, then, when details about 9After7 Productions came to light two weeks ago. The new production company, which is comprised of GL alums, aims to meet fan demand for more of their favorite actors by producing original programming. The first project 9After7 has decided to develop is a feature-length film- La Lumiere - which will be available on dvd (details for pre-ordering the dvd can be found at the 9After7 website.) Beth Chamberlin, who is credited with penning the screenplay, graciously agreed to speak to me about life after GL, the state of television today, the pros and cons of web-based entertainment, and what fans can expect from La Lumiere.

LN: Did you have an idea of how significant the loss of GL would be on long-term viewers?

BC: For a long time, I didn't really have a full grasp of how strong a bond viewers made with the show and its characters. It wasn't really until I was on a book tour several years back, and met so many people who spoke about their strong feelings about the show and its characters. And it makes sense - we were in people's living rooms five days a week. So, no, I'm not surprised that fans have experienced a kind of mourning for the show, just as we have - those of us who worked on it, either in front of the camera or behind it. I've even heard from people who tell me that they recorded episodes which they've held on to, and watch from time to time.

LN: On Guiding Light coming to an end after 72 years - an actor's point of view

BC: It's an odd sensation. For many months after the show wrapped we were involved in a rush of events, and there was so much going on. It sort of felt as if we were still working together, still shooting the show. It took a few months for it to really sink....to realize that, hey - we won't be going back to that place ever again. There is a kind of separation anxiety around the entire experience of working together in a very particular way, and now knowing that that's over. Many of us who were involved with GL have a lot of affection for one another and still get together, but it can never be the same. We'll almost certainly never ALL be together again as a group. This feeling of not wanting to entirely lose what working together for so many years, and enjoying one another almost as an extended family came to mean to us - it was the genesis of how our first project, La Lumiere, came to be.

LN: How did 9after7 come about?

BC: Well, Fiona (Hutchison) approached Tina (Sloan) about putting something together, working on something new. Pretty soon a group of us were meeting on a fairly regular basis and asking each other 'what sort of project can we do?', 'what are the ideas that really excite us?' A lot of back and forth discussion ultimately led to what will be our first project as a company -La Lumiere.

LN: On the current state of television and what it has to offer

BC: There was a piece in the NY Times a while back about the way television programming is developed and marketed. It's all based on a model that was put into place in the 50s. During those post-WWII years, the demographic that sponsors wanted to reach - because there were so many of them - were people in their 20s. The model and how it's operated hasn't changed since then, which makes very little sense. The people who made up that original demographic group have aged and matured, but the model for developing and marketing entertainment has remained stagnant. These days, for this particular viewer, and even for a lot of viewers who are much younger, network television doesn't have a lot to offer. I've all but given up on television, myself, because I just don't find all that much to interest me. When I turn on my television, I almost automaticaly switch over to cable - to TNT or AMC - to see what's on. GL was around for 72 years. While there's still this idea in the world of television that it's crucial to aim programming at 20 year olds, the fact is our fan base skews significantly higher than that. These are the people that 9After7 is interested in engaging and providing entertainment for.

LN: When it comes to cable, it may just be the saving grace of both quality programming for those of us over 40, and for serial drama, in general. The best shows on television are on cable: Mad Men, Big Love, Dexter, In Treatment...and, when you strip them down, they're all soaps.

BC: Hopefully, cable television will always provide a home for soaps - solid dramas that require the viewer to think, become involved and invested. It may well be that this is where soap viewers will get their fix. I watch a show like Mad Men and it's definitely a soap. Think about it: every soap has a pivotal gathering place, often a work place. In this case, it's an advertising agency. There are secrets and intrigue, office politics, lies, marriages, affairs - everything a good soap has. Mad Men doesn't have anything a show like Guiding Light didn't have, except, of course, Mad Men has a much bigger budget per episode than we ever dreamed of having. It's possible to put out a show that looks that polished when you have the time and money. The people who work in daytime have to do that five times a week, with one day to film each show. But, yes, the enormous success shows such as Mad Men or Damages only reinforce the plain truth: contrary to the current wisdom, there are lots of people out there who can and will sit down and watch a one-hour show, pay attention, become involved, and go back to watch week after week. There's this theory that people no longer have long attention spans, and I don't think that applies to everyone, or even most people. There's also the idea that television viewing is or should be a completely passive activity. In terms of emotional engagement, this couldn't be further from the truth when it comes to people who enjoy soap operas or serial dramas. In this respect, television can be very interactive, but I don't see that being likely when all one has to watch is a five minute clip or programming written with the idea that no one really pays attention or gets involved, anymore. There are plenty of traditional viewers out there who want something more than reality television or a five minute webisode, and who want to engage fully in the viewing experience.

LN: I'm intrigued by your choice to make a full-length movie for DVD, especially when so many other people who have worked (or still work) on soaps are launching web-based programming. Can you talk about how you arrived at this decision?

BC: Well, I know I'm not the only one who prefers to sit back and relax in front of my television and dive, head first, into something engaging that lasts more than a few minutes. I'm not exactly sure why this is but, when I've tried to watch web-based programming, I find myself wanting it to 'hurry up and end.' I believe it has to do with the relationship I have with my laptop. I've read where people with insomnia should get used to being in bed only for sleep, so that they make a psychological connection between the bed and actual slumber. I feel as if, for me anyway, there's a definite connection between my computer and work. It's a great tool that I often use for work, but it's at odds with relaxation. When I want to relax, I don't really want to be caught in the trappings of work.

I've learned a lot from running an online store. So many things can go wrong, from a technical point of view, and there's so much to know. That's just on a site that revolves around selling tangible merchandise. When it comes to streaming video, it'd be a huge learning curve to ensure that things run smoothly. The rule of thumb, really, is that if something can go wrong, it probably will. For a consumer, the number of technical problems that can and often do happen with online programming can be very frustrating. Offering programming on the web, in my opinion, requires a wealth of technological knowledge and/or being able to afford the services of people who have the needed expertise.

I really feel - everyone involved with La Lumiere does - that our particular fan base will respond to a full-length feature, and to owning a DVD that they can watch on a full-sized television screen. I can get online right now, and order a DVD set of Mad Men or Damages, and lots of people do exactly that with their favorite television dramas these days. It may be how and where people get the bulk of their programming in the future, especially people over 40. Also, doing things in this way, and on this scale...it offers us an opportunity to do some stuff from a production value point of view, that probably wouldn't be possible with another format.

Another aspect to consider is the financial one. No one has really been able to make programming for the web profitable. Sponsors haven't invested the kind of money into it that they have in television. Part of the beauty of what we're doing with La Lumiere is that we know how this works. This team knows about telling a story in this way, and we've discussed what we were each able and willing to put into the project.

LN: Aside from the many technical problems, with web-based programming, people have been either shocked that there would be subscription fees, or unclear as to what the subscription fees would grant them. One thing that appeals when it comes to La Lumiere, is that it's perfectly clear what one is paying for: a movie on DVD that the consumer gets to keep and watch whenever they want to.

BC: When we decided that we wanted to work together again, we took a look around, saw that other people were doing web-based stuff, and decided not only that it wasn't for us, but that that area was probably being well-served. There's room out there for all kinds of entertainment, and I'm all for people trying different things. That's what we're doing - trying something different...something that I really think will appeal to people who miss Guiding Light.

LN: I notice you're offering a walk-on appearance for a significant amount of money. To be honest, as much as I love soaps, and Guiding Light in particular, I asked myself, "Who would pay that kind of money for a walk-on?" My workmate said something that made a lot of sense. She said, "It's not like giving money to strangers. Those people - those actors - they feel like family. Getting the chance to work with them, and to support a project that will give us a chance to see them together, again - that will appeal to someone who can afford it."

BC: If someone does decide to take us up on that offer, it could also be someone who wants to break into the business. It's a chance to work on a professional production, with people who have been doing this a long time. It could be a very good opportunity for the right person.

LN: Every GL fan knows that Beth Raines was such a long-suffering character. If the show had gone on much longer, I'm not sure what new tragedy or hardship the writers could have devised for her. Since you're the writer on this project, I have to ask: have you taken the opportunity to infuse your character with some humor - something that was sadly lacking in Beth Raines' life?

BC: It's funny you'd ask that, because I most definitely have. Without giving too much away, I can say that the character I play in La Lumiere is often unintentionally funny. She doesn't always know that the things she says will make others laugh. I haven't veered entirely away from Beth Raines, though. What I think fans of GL will see when they watch La Lumiere is some very familiar things, and some things that are totally new. Because so many people associate the actors involved with the characters they played on GL and working opposite specific counterparts, I've decided to mostly keep to pairings that are familiar, even though the characters are different...to ease viewers into the idea that we're still working together, but that this is not Guiding Light.

LN: That seems like a wise way to begin. I'm not sure how I'd feel tuning in to your first project and seeing you and Grant Aleksander on the same screen, but not as a pairing of some kind.

BC: I recognize that about this particular kind of fandom, and it'll be as gentle a transition as possible. I hope people will like the mixture of the familiar and the brand new. This may be different in our future projects, but we're doing this one step at a time.

LN: Thanks so much for being so generous with your time, Beth. Any parting words for folks reading this?

BC: Thank you for your time. I want people to know that we'll be reporting on the progress of La Lumiere as things develop, so I hope they'll check out our website (which is undergoing changes and updates) and sign up for our newsletter.

9After7 Productions

Beth Chamberlin's Women on Fitness

It's Normal: Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of the ADA

2010-04-13T15:48:00.001-07:00

It's Normal: Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of the ADA

Posted using ShareThis

Good Night, Lady

2010-04-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago the world lost Dixie Carter. If you listened hard enough, you heard an audible sigh from the LGBT community. Actually, you didn't have to strain your ears too much, because the mourners were so many. Dixie Carter, you see, was a rare gem: as iconic to gay women as she was to gay men. Where gay men and lesbians often come to figurative blows over how the world should be, what qualities we should look for in our idols, and exactly how important man-made constructs are when it comes to gender, Dixie Carter was the great equalizer. An icon we all adopted and loved. And it's all thanks to Julia Sugarbaker.

The Boys

The gay boys I know loved Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker because she was bigger than life. Brash. Always well put together. A torch singer. Funny as hell. She was like - and I say this with love and respect - the best fucking drag queen you could ever hope to see. A lady, in the most traditional sense of that word.

The Girls

We loved Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker because she was a strong woman. Her own boss. Practical. Not afraid to speak her mind. A woman who valued sisterhood and the friendship of other women. Witty as hell. A lady in the most nontraditional sense of that word.

Dixie's Julia Sugarbaker took the word "lady" and turned it on its ear. She wasn't a lady just because she was trained in old school Southern gentility, but because she managed to never let go of that composure, even when she was reaming someone a new one. Many people would say that a "lady" knows her place. Julia Sugarbaker knew her place, alright - up front and center. And, if a "lady" knows when to keep quiet, the lady Dixie Carter brought to life knew when to speak the hell up. She was a living example that being a "lady" has bugger all to do with accessorizing, and EVERYTHING to do with finesse, decency, and standing up for what's right.

The butchest butches and the femmiest femmes loved you, Julia Sugarbaker, as did bears, twinks, and every flavor in between. Maybe in part because we live in a world that often wishes we would sit down and shut up - two things you never, ever did until you were damned good and ready.

We will miss you Dixie Carter: actress, singer, stroppy woman, friend of the gay community. And, yes, a Republican.

Fear and Self-Loathing (and bitchiness) in the LGBT Community

2010-03-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

Pop singer and former soap opera actor Ricky Martin announced to the public today, via his website, that he is a "fortunate homosexual." Sadly, his announcement has been met with a mixture of "Duh, who didn't know?" and "Now he comes out - big deal!" Even sadder, most of the people I've noted making these comments are homosexuals.

What you think you know means nothing

If you're a gay person who has come out to his or her family, think back to the day you came out. Do you really think everyone you came out to was shocked? If you're like most homosexuals, by the time you came out, at least one person who knew you had a feeling you might be queer. Did the fact that Aunt Bessie thought you were "funny" all along make disclosing any easier? Did the fact that Dad "always knew you'd end up being a faggot" ease the tension? Did Mom fearing you'd never make her a grandmother make your coming out a day of simple, stress-free pleasure? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you're a liar. You just are.

The fact is, when it comes to telling the world that one is a homosexual, other people's preconceived ideas mean nothing. So what if Uncle Jerry always thought you walked funny and had a limp wrist? You're still standing before your nearest and dearest and summoning up your strength to tell them, in your own words, that you're a homosexual. This isn't about Uncle Jerry's gaydar, it's about you publicly acknowledging who you are.

If other people's preconceptions made coming out easier, no one would jump through hoops to keep people from forming such ideas in the first place. If having Uncle Jerry and Aunt Bessie speculate about you felt good, the stereotypical high school jock who secretly likes to suck cock would not be sucking cock in secret and making a public show of his prowess on the football field. If Mom's worry about never becoming a grandmother felt good and paved the way for self-esteem, there wouldn't be middle-aged wives and mothers suddenly deciding to come out as lesbians.

A True Story

In 1991, a few days after my grandfather died, my mother received a phone call from one of her brothers. He was about 55 at the time. He called to tell his sister the truth about himself: he was a homosexual. Now, my mother had known her brother was gay since the late 60s. We'd all known he was gay. By 1991, he'd lived and travelled with his "friend," Roy, for more than 15 years. They lived in a one-bedroom apartment and shared a king-sized bed. Everyone knew he was gay, but no one ever mentioned it.

My uncle must have known that most people around him had figured out his badly-kept secret, yet he waited until his father was dead to actually speak the words, "I'm gay." What's more, he cried when he disclosed this to my mother, and begged, "Please don't hate me."

I'm proud to say my mother did not respond with, "DUH - I've always known you were gay" or "Now you tell me? Big deal!" She said, instead, "How could I ever hate my own brother? I love you."

What you're really saying

When you say, "Duh" to Ricky Martin's coming out - or anyone else's - what you're saying is: This experience, of you stepping forward and embracing who you are - it has no value. It's lame and pointless because I already guessed your secret long ago. My knowing about you being gay is more important than your being okay about being gay.

When you say, "Big deal - I've known for ages" what you're really saying is: This is all about ME. Since I already knew, I see no reason why you should let go of that little bit of yourself you keep holding back from the people you care about, why you should try to be free of shame, or why you're so hung up on being completely honest for what might be the first time in your life. Since my curiosity was satisfied ages ago, there's no point in satisfying your need for self-worth.

When you say, "Wow...Ricky Martin is gay...and water is wet!" (Yes, I saw this as someone's Facebook status today), what you're really saying is: I knew he was gay because he acts like such a faggot. Only a faggot would act, sing and dance like that. I quietly hate faggots. I may not even know that I hate faggots, but I do....and I can spot them a mile away.

If you're saying any of these things, and you're gay, yourself, what you're really saying is: I'm a self-loathing homosexual. I may say I'm out and proud, but I'm actually miserable and, if I'm miserable, I don't want any other queers to be happy or secure or teeming with self-esteem. I'm the Uncle Tom of faggots.

Big Deal!

A few people I've talked to have used the phrase "Ricky Martin's coming out is too little too late." Excuse me, but...back the fuck up. I must have been out of town the day pop singers started owing us their souls.

Ricky Martin didn't come out for me or for you. He came out for himself. Just like I didn't come out to my family for you any more than you came out for me. Again, if you claim you came out to your loved ones for a higher cause, you're a liar. You just are. Seriously, stop lying!

Ricky Martin may be a famous person. He's also a person with a family, and relationships, and with the same self-doubts every person has. Being famous does not exempt anyone from having feelings of insecurity, or shame, or sadness, or confusion. If anything, living in a fishbowl might make a person even more self-conscious than the rest of us are. Martin's coming out may not be a big deal to you, but I guarantee it's a big deal for him. It will have an impact on his relationships and on his career. More importantly, I'm 100% sure it is already having an impact on how he feels inside.

The bottom line is Ricky Martin doesn't owe any of us anything. He doesn't owe us any information about his sexuality, and he certainly didn't owe us this information at an earlier date than the date he chose to disclose. Why would he? This is not a man any of us was about to marry - we're talking about a pop star who is barely even on the American radar, anymore.

What does "too little too late" mean? That you never would have downloaded She Bangs if you'd known a pansy was singing it? That Cup of Life wouldn't have been as fun at sporting events if you'd known there was a queer dude singing it?

I don't know Ricky Martin. He seems like a nice enough guy, though, and I like a few of his songs. I'm happy that he feels good enough about where he is in life that he's decided to come out. I feel that about anyone who finds themselves ready to come out as homosexual. I didn't officially do it, myself, until I was 30. Most of the people I came out to already had a pretty good idea I was gay. I'm really glad none of them were bitchy enough to dismiss how significant it was for me to take that huge step.

Bien hecho, Ricky! Orgullo.

© 2010 Lana M. Nieves

Limited Licensing: I, the copyright holder of this work, hereby publish it under the Creative Commons Attribution license, granting distribution of my copyrighted work without making changes, with mandatory attribution to Lana M. Nieves and for non-commercial purposes only. - Lana M. Nieves

Dear Chloë: How About Some Love for Big Love?

2010-03-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

It was awful this season, as far as I’m concerned. I’m not allowed to say that! [Gasps.] It was very telenovela. I feel like it kind of got away from itself. The whole political campaign seemed to me very farfetched. I mean, I love the show, I love my character, I love the writing, but I felt like they were really pushing it this last season.....It’s too much. It’s too much. But I hope the fans will stick with us and tune in next year. There’s a lot of people who really love this season, surprisingly.

- Chloë Sevigny discussing season 4 of Big Love with The A.V. Club

I like Chloë Sevigny, and Nickie is probably my favorite character on Big Love. I have to wonder, though, how in-touch with the show's premise, the genre she's working in, and the reasons for Big Love's popularity Ms. Sevigny can be. What, I wonder, does Chloë Sevigny think people watch Big Love for?

Excuse me?

First off, I'm not sure how much Spanish language television Ms. Sevigny has been exposed to. I suspect it's not a hell of a lot, or she wouldn't be comparing Big Love to a telenovela. There's absolutely no similarity between the structure of Big Love and the classic telenovela, which airs nightly, has a finite story arc which is limited to one season, and more often than not revolves around one particular protagonist in a struggle to find happiness and love.

What Big Love is like, on the other hand, is a traditional, American, night time serial. It's got all the elements: a weekly format that runs from season to season, multi-layered story structure revolving around a whole cast of characters, relationships, family drama, intrigue, wheeling and dealing in the world of business, secrets, lies and a host of moral and ethical conflicts. It's got supposedly good guys who aren't always likable, and bad guys who we can't help but sympathize with from time to time.

Big Love is more Knots Landing (with a touch of Twin Peaks, perhaps) than it is Marimar.

The comment comparing Big Love to a telenovela is clearly meant as a slight. Wake-up call, Ms. Sevigny: you're not on a telenovela, but you're definitely on an American night time soap, and the two are closely related. You may have convinced yourself that you were working on something "BETTER" or "MORE IMPORTANT" than that, but you're not. Serial drama - it's a genre, like any other. It can be as good or as bad as the writing and acting associated with it. You're a good actress, and Big Love is better than most shows on television, but know this: it's a soap opera, and has been since its debut.

Too Much?

Ms. Sevigny notes that season 4's political campaign was "farfetched." I'd challenge her to consider our last presidential election: One candidate was embroiled in a paternity scandal involving a woman other than his wife and a toddler who he refused to acknowledge as his child. Another candidate was a woman who many will always think of as the doggedly loyal wife of an ex-president who abused his position of authority by having an affair with a White House intern. A vice presidential candidate, who actively promoted an abstinence-only sex ed curriculum in the public school system, was forced to admit her teen daughter was in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy. This person was also surrounded by controversy involving the parentage of her youngest child, allegations of abuses of power during her tenure as governor of Alaska, and misappropriation of GOP funds. We even had a Mormom in the race.

If you'd told me, just ten years ago, that the U.S. would have in the White House a president who was mixed-race, with a Kenyan father, the child of divorce, had spent part of his childhood in Indonesia, and had a name like Barack Obama...I would have thought it a far-fetched fantasy.

Bill Henrickson is running for office and he has a secret. Big deal. Forget his three women and sets of children he supports on his own and longs to publicly acknowledge as his own; it's the real life American political landscape that's often unbelievable and "too much." Marion Barry, anyone?

It's interesting, though, that Ms. Sevigny considers season 4 of Big Love to be the point where the show became "far-fetched." Think about the entire premise of the series, starting from season 1, and it's clear the audience is expected to suspend disbelief:

No one in a conservative, Mormon community seems to think there's anything even remotely odd about two women - one who is clearly from the compound - who have small children, but no husbands around

No one questions how two single moms can afford to own or rent large, rambling houses or drive nice cars

No thinks it's odd that these two women also happen to live in houses on either side of a well-known public figure and that he and his family seem to spend a lot of time with these single women

No one has ever taken note that the three houses have an open plan and a communal yard in the back - not the mail man or the meter reader or a nosy neighbor

No business owners in this sleepy community notice that, when Nickie or Margene or Barbara enter their stores, it's never to buy just one loaf of bread or two steaks, but enough to feed an army

With three houses full of children, no one ever slips and calls Bill "Daddy" in public..and I guess none of the kids actually look like Bill, even though he's their father

No one in the community seems to have taken note of the several times refugees from the compound have landed on Bill's doorstep, en masse

The public seems to buy in to the whole thing about Bill, who is the face of Home Plus, being a regular, old LDS member, but no one seems to notice that he doesn't actually go to temple, and neither do any of his family members

Big Love is full of unbelievable details. Newsflash: it doesn't matter. No one is watching this show for its accurate depiction of the real world we live in. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who watches this show and says, "Wow...Barbara's relationship to the sisterwife who nursed her through cancer is EXACTLY like my relationship to the sisterwife who cured my lumbago" or "That's EXACTLY like the time I was forced out of my community at 16 by someone who feared I was a prophet!"

Why we watch

Soaps are a funny medium. They're often equal parts slice-of-life and bigger-than-life. Even in the days when soaps dealt only with very real, human situations, things like a favorite character's death, the birth of a baby, and the level of devotion between star-crossed lovers were presented on a grandiose scale. People didn't just die - they died beautiful deaths, in the arms of their beloved, after uttering moving, coherent, meaningful speeches....and looking like a million bucks, the whole time. Babies weren't just born - their mothers went into premature labor after sustaining great trauma, struggled for life and were saved at the last minute by emergency blood transfusions from their REAL birthfather. Young lovers didn't just hug and kiss and promise to be true: they broke into abandoned churches and took secret vows, hours before the young "groom" went off to Vietnam.

Soap viewers? We love this stuff. And Big Love is full of it, if you know where to look: Nickie's late-onset adolescence, Wanda's madness, J.J.'s creepiness, Lois slicing off of an enemy's arm to defend her son (thank God for the great Grace Zabriskie!) What are these stories really about? The sadness of a lost childhood, post traumatic stress, hunger for power, and mother-love. Slices of life displayed in a bigger-than-life packages.

Strip away the far-fetched elements of season 4: the political campaign, the embryo implants, the Mexico debacle, and what you have is simple. It's a story about an ambitious man, an extended family coping with dysfunction, women who have no control over reproduction, people who just want to be accepted, even tough they're different, and a world where "different" is always "wrong."

Ms. Sevigny: Big Love season 4 was awesome.

The Daily Serial: Signs of Life

2010-03-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

To anyone paying attention, the signs are clear: if the daily soap opera is going to survive, something has got to change. What sort of changes, though, are called for? What will it take to make the daily soap a good investment for networks and sponsors, while ensuring good, solid storytelling that attracts viewers?

SuperSize Me

In the past, changes have mostly been about expansion. First was the move from radio to television. This was followed by an extension of episode length: soaps started at 15 minutes long, moved up to 30 minutes, and then an hour. (Another World actually did the 90 minute thing for a short time.) Then there was an expansion regarding sets and locations - where, once upon a time, the drama used to take part in a kitchen over a cup of coffee, soaps started adding work places, restaurants, country clubs, casinos. No longer happy to keep the action in small town America, soaps started doing elaborate location shoots in places like St. Croix and Santo Domingo.

The logic behind these changes was simple to understand: bigger is often thought of as better. In all fairness, many of these changes garnered positive results. The lavish sets of the 70s and 80s were aesthetically pleasing. The occasional location shoot can be a lot of fun to watch, and made it possible to tell a wider range of stories that attracted viewers who may not have been all that interested in the traditional domestic dramas that were the bread and butter of the genre.

Bigger, in my opinion, sometimes was better. Times, though, have changed. These days, bigger is just more expensive.

Backlash: the Peapack Model

When Guiding Light seemed doomed for cancelation, a drastic turnaround was made. The show that had once boasted some of the biggest and most beautiful soundstage sets on daytime and whose location shoots in Santo Domingo and Puerto Rico were the stuff of soap legend made the move from NYC to Peapack, New Jersey. Gone were the huge, lavish banquet rooms and oak-paneled executive board rooms that made it possible to shoot scenes with crowds of 20 or more. In their place: actual rooms in an actual house - none big enough to reasonably shoot more than four or five actors in one scene at a time. Gone, too, was the rich quality of film, in exchange for handheld, shaky video. Rich lighting? Buh-bye! Hello, harsh, overhead lighting controlled by an ordinary light switch on the wall.

Some people considered the Peapack model a bold experiment. Others considered it a mess. I think it was a little bit of both. Cutting back, in my opinion, was a move in the right direction. Whereas the trend, for many years, had been towards expansion, the choice to move towards something more compact and manageable was a wise one. The decisions about where and how to get smaller, though, could have been better.

Smaller AND Better?

There's a common rule in business: if you want to be successful, study what successful people before you have done, and take your cues from there. Best-selling books have been written about nothing more than the habits of highly successful people. Professional development trainers make a lot of money running workshops that pretty much take 4 hours to tell students just that: if you want to succeed, find some successful folks to copy.

Soaps became bigger than life because their smaller incarnations were successful. Now that the big-budget, lavish soap opera model is no longer financially viable, it makes sense to go back to basics, and look at what made these shows so successful, in the first place. The only elements that need to be in place in order for a daily soap opera to gain a loyal audience are:

A core of fully developed characters who relate to one another, brought to life by decent actors
Good, solid stories that people can care about
Continuity

That's it. The rest is all icing. A daily serial does not need a huge cast, elaborate locales, special effects, or special guest stars in order to be good or to capture the interest of viewers. In fact, if it has all of those things, but doesn't have a good story or decent acting, a soap is pretty much doomed. Soaps, after all, have their roots in radio. Television is a visual medium, but the television soap was born out of an audio medium. What happens and who it happens to are the most important things about a serial drama.

It may well be that the best thing the networks and sponsors can do, if they wish to rebuild viewer loyalty for their daytime lineup, is go back to basics, and return to a simpler form of daily storytelling: smaller acting ensembles, a handful of key, core characters who are connected to one another, very basic sets, and a half hour format.

Imagine if, instead of the Peapack model, TPTB at GL had decided to slash their cast of characters down to the Bauers (they could have brought back Ed and Michelle, given Rick more of a story, and integrated both Mel and Leah), Spauldings, and Lewises, with just a couple of other characters who were connected to these families (yes, Otalia.) No Edmund, or Remy. No Christina. No Coopers (an extraneous family that it made no sense to hold on to.) No Cyrus. No Doris Wolf (sorry, Orlagh, but you were not necessary.) Imagine, too, if the drama had been limited to the Spaulding and Lewis offices, the Bauer kitchen, the farm house living room and Cedar's. No more Towers. No convenience store. No Company. No wobbly, noisy outdoor shots, full of traffic and airplane noise. Just compelling stories (no clones, or magical portraits....no Bosnia) about people we all knew and loved, driven by strong dialogue, solid acting, and quality cinematography. Imagine if this version of GL had been doled out in 30 minute episodes, five days a week, with a chance to catch up on all five days via late-night and/or weekend marathon. Imagine, too, that this version of GL had been seasonal, running for 13 weeks, and airing reruns while the show was on hiatus.

Is it crazy to think American audiences would watch a show structured in such a way in 2010? They already are.

A Flicker of Hope: In Treatment

Any lover of serial drama who hasn't caught seasons 1 and 2 of HBO's In Treatment really should get the lead out. Based on Hagai Levi's highly successful Israeli series, In Treatment is the closest thing we now have to the old fashioned, small scale, 30 minute daily serial. (Do not send me emails about B&B. Seriously - don't bother.)

The show revolves around Dr. Paul Weston, a psychotherapist. It airs five nights a week, with each episode coming in at under 30 minutes. Each night of the week focuses on Dr. Weston having a one-on-one session with a particular patient. (He also sees a couple or a family, now and then.) Friday episodes usually revolve around Paul's own sessions with his mentor and psychotherapist, played by Dianne Wiest. The patients and their lives provide a series of mini dramas, but the main focus is Dr. Weston - how his work and personal lives have collided, how he finds himself at a crossroads in both his profession and his marriage (to a wife played by soap vet Michelle Forbes,) how his relationship to his children is effected by his relationship to young patients. It's about the demons Paul lives with, both as a man and a doctor...his obsession with events of the past, his struggles to maintain appropriate boundaries with his patients, and his midlife crisis.

For all intents and purposes, In Treatment is classic soap opera. If you miss an episode, you've missed something important, because each episode builds on the next one. Each patient's issues somehow touch on issues Paul is struggling with in his own life.

Shooting locations are basic: Paul's patients see him in his home. Paul sees Gina (his therapist) in her home. No board rooms or banquet halls. No television station or light house or foreign locales.

There are no gimmicks here. No evil twins. No clones. No secret cities or time travel or plots to control the world via weather machine. No car chases or hostage situations. In Treatment is about people talking. That's it. And it's compelling. What's more, HBO has renewed it for a 3rd season.

The Old and the New

While In Treatment is throwback to the way serial dramas used to be made, it's also fresh and modern. Episodes are available on-demand and for download via Itunes. The show is seasonal, which gives new viewers a chance to pick up during down time, and loyal viewers a chance to catch up or re-watch episodes. It's also available on DVD. Just last week I spoke to someone who'd just discovered In Treatment, watched seasons 1 and 2 on DVD, and is now eagerly awaiting season 3. This is virtually impossible with a soap opera that runs 52 weeks a year, with no breaks.

The people involved with making In Treatment have noted how exhausting the process is. Who would be better equipped to work within the grueling schedule than soap opera veterans? If anything, actors and crew who have cut their teeth on the one-hour-episodes-five-days-a-week-52-weeks-a-year schedule that is de rigueur in the production of American soaps would find the shooting schedule of In Treatment a walk in the park.

If the people who develop programming for daytime television are truly interested in fare that will attract viewers (and viewer loyalty), that they can sell to sponsors with confidence, they should take a look at the model HBO has adopted for In Treatment. It has all the elements of classic soap opera, in its barest form: short episodes, minimal sets, a small cast of interesting characters. By relying on the classic elements of soap opera, and putting some thought into the way people get their entertainment these days, the makers of In Treatment have created what represents the first glimmer of hope for the daily serial we've seen in a long time.

Limited Licensing: I, the copyright holder of this work, hereby publish it under the Creative Commons Attribution license, granting distribution of my copyrighted work without making changes, with mandatory attribution to Lana M. Nieves and for non-commercial purposes only. - Lana M. Nieves

Breakfast of Champions: Is there hope for The Great American Serial?

2010-03-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, a friend and I had a discussion about the future of soaps. What, we asked each other, will daytime television look like once the few remaining soaps are gone? What will the networks and sponsors come up with to fill in the empty space? Infomercials? Talk shows? Game shows? All of these are distinct possibilities. In my opinion, not a one of them has a chance in hell of gaining the sort of viewer loyalty that a well-written, daily soap opera can elicit. Only time will tell what the daytime landscape will look like, but there are certainly several factors for TPTB should take into consideration when making decisions about programming.

The Myth of Youth

I keep hearing about how what has killed the American soap opera is the fact that young people aren't interested in this old-school style of entertainment. People under 30, we're told, don't have the attention spans of the generations that preceded them. This may be true to some extent, but something else is true: there are more of us than there are of them. Ever heard the term "baby boom"? This is an aging population. While networks have kept busy trying to court young audiences, the writing on the wall has become clear: there are not only more older people than young people in America, but older people have significantly more spending power. And, make no mistake about it - advertisers know this.

Most young people may never be fans of a traditional, daily serial that is character-driven, requires perseverance, loyalty, and an attention span of more than ten minutes, but that doesn't really matter if networks and sponsors are trying to develop programming that caters to people who have spending power.

The Melting Pot vs. The Box of 64 Colors

Remember that line in your grade school history book about America being a melting pot? Well, forget it. It was a lie. No one moves to America, anymore, and identifies as just "American." I don't care if people like this, or not (I love it), but there is no such thing as the American melting pot. Immigrants who arrived in the USA during the last 100 years have, by and large, retained their ethnic , cultural and racial identities. This isn't a nation inhabited by one, homogeneous race of human beings. We're black, white, Asian, Hispanic....we're Christian and Jewish and Buddhist....we're straight and gay and all things in-between.

This is how America looks. It's how the real world looks. Television should look more like the real world. We notice when it doesn't. It pisses a lot of us off when it doesn't. It pisses us off even more when it's clear that it doesn't because someone is making a concerted effort to make sure it doesn't.

How We Watch

I'm old enough to remember a time when, if you missed an episode of All My Children, the best you could do was have a friend fill you in and then read the Soap Opera Digest recap. No VCRs. No Soapnet. No YouTube.

Times have changed, and technology has moved at lightning speed in the last 40 years. These days, when fewer people are at home during the day to watch their soaps in real time, there's no reason to miss them. Soapnet airs rebroadcasts of several shows during the evening and on weekends. Television networks make episodes of their soaps available via streaming video on the web. DVR technology makes it possible to digitally record and store literally hundreds of hours of programming for later viewing.

If the way we watch television has changed, it follows suit that the way television is made, marketed and evaluated for ratings should also change.

Choices

When I was a kid, growing up in a major, urban market, there were three television networks, three local stations, and one public broadcasting channel on VHF to choose from. (UHF was, in large part, dedicated to Spanish-language programming, and aimed at what was then considered a negligible demographic. See "The Melting Pot..." above.)

Today, the rare person who is at home watching television on weekdays has hundreds of cable channels to choose from. Add to that video games and the internet, and it's astounding how many choices people have when it comes to choosing sedentary entertainment.

If television - any sort of television, not just serial drama - is going to attract viewers, there has to be a damned good reason to watch. Word has it that CBS is disappointed with the ratings for Let's Make A Deal, the game show that replaced Guiding Light late last year. Is it really all that surprising that people who are home during the day consistently find something other than this low-budget, out-of-date costume party game show to devote their time to?

A Good Story

Everyone loves a good story. Storytelling is about a lot more than just throwing random characters together, and assigning them arbitrary tasks to perform. Good storytelling relies on characters who have depth and history, relationships to one another and the world they inhabit. Good storytelling revolves around conflict that is interesting on the surface, and strikes a chord on a deeper level. With so many entertainment choices available to the television viewer, this fundamental tenet cannot be ignored: human beings love a good story. Our stories are who we are.

Next: Part II - The Daily Serial: Signs of Life

Biting the hand...

2010-03-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

An Open Letter To TPTB at One Life To Live

Dear decision-makers,

Word on the street is that you've decided to throw Kyle and Fish to the wolves and, in one fell swoop do away with the only interesting, promising same-sex couple on daytime television. Way to go, idiots.

For years, people have complained that soap operas were rife with cliches, that there was nothing new under the daytime sun, and that the days of soaps pushing boundaries and taking chances were long over. Last year, you guys stepped up to the plate and gave us KISH - the last, best hope daytime television had for portraying two people of the same gender falling in love and making a go of it. Kyle and Fish are attractive, likable, sympathetic, and they share chemistry. And they're accessible: these are guys people can relate to. They're like men we know - our friends, our brothers. With KISH, you didn't give us boa-clad camp, or tragic faggots just waiting to meet the right women. These were normal guys, guys with friends and connections to the community. Guys the public could and did root for. Guys the public still roots for.

Early this year, you put your money where your collective mouth was, and actually allowed Kyle and Fish not only to kiss, but to have a full-on love scene. No Otaliaesque head-butting for these two; Kyle and Fish actually had a full-scale sex scene, complete with candles, corny music, soft lighting...the whole nine yards. What's more, with Stacey recently giving birth to a baby whose father is none other than Oliver Fish, there was the tantalizin prospect of - dare I say it? - a gay couple actively parenting a child.

In short, KISH was and is a ground-breaking story line. Where Otalia chickened out, KISH had the goods.

So, what do you do, oh powers-that-be? You stomp on the very thing that, at this moment in time, is the one truly unique aspect of your show. You kill KISH.

You. Fucking. Idiots.

Who do you think watches soaps, writes about soaps, interviews soap actors, promotes soaps, and keeps soaps alive? If you think it's young housewives, who watch between cleaning the oven and making brownies, you're even dumber than I thought. There are no more housewives in America. There are busy home-makers who juggle housework, parenting, yoga, volunteerism, school, and social lives....but the housewife of 1955, who could stop everything at 2 to watch soaps? She's gone the way of the dinosaur. Today's fans DVR their soaps, watch them, and discuss them online with other fans...and do you know who many, if not most, of these fans are? Gay people. To be specific, gay MEN. Shocking, huh? Shouldn't be, because everyone knows it's a bunch of queers writing the damned programs. Newsflash: soap operas are gay entertainment. DUH.

Gay men have a long history of watching and supporting their "stories." I only started watching OLTL, again, after quitting for good, when a gay man I know started singing the show's praises, and convinced me to give it a go one more time. Almost all of the online promotion I've seen for OLTL has been instigated by gay males. And, no, they haven't talked only about KISH, but about the show, as a whole. Gay men - both those with official press credentials, and those who just love their soaps - have lobbied hard for OLTL. How do you choose to repay this loyalty? What do gay men get in return for their support? More invisibility.

Thanks for making this sad moment a little easier by being such assholes. I quit. I'm finished with you. OLTL is officially off my DVR schedule. Soapnet can suck it. You, my friends, are dead to me. This gay woman has drawn a line in the sand. I'm too good to waste any more time on a show produced by gutless bigots. And, anyhow, you'll probably be cancelled soon enough. It's not like you've got anything original to offer.

It's been real.

- Snapper

Cousins...identical cousins

2010-03-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

Julianne Moore is a great actress. Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Safe, Far From Heaven, The Prizewinner of Defiance Ohio, I'm Not There. And do not get me started on The Hours; she was robbed of an Oscar by a prosthetic nose and, as my friend Robert points out, Hollywood's desire to stick it to Tom Cruise. But let's put it out there: in a world where Meryl Streep is as close to thespian perfection as it gets, Julianne Moore owned The Hours and outdid even Meryl Streep. Poor, old Nicole Kidman was far, far out of her league.

Soap fans know, however, that before the Oscar-nominated performances and the Tom Ford dresses and ad campaigns for cosmetics and flawless skin, Julianne Moore played dual roles on As The World Turns: Frannie and Sabrina Hughes. Cousins, identical cousins. And half sisters, because that's how soap operas roll, baby.

Another thing about Julianne Moore: she's a class act who, unlike some actors who hit it big and play down their time on soaps, has always spoken fondly of her days on ATWT, and referred to that time with love and respect for the show and the people who make it happen. It was confirmed today that Moore will be making a final appearance on ATWT, as the show wraps, after more than 50 years on the air.

I'm sure Moore's appearance will be brief, and will add nothing to the drama at hand, but it means a lot. To people like myself, who used to be avid fans of ATWT, Moore represents a time when the show was truly worth watching, when soap actors were chosen for their talent, when production values were high, when core families mattered and story was EVERYTHING. Julianne Moore's return may be nothing more than a cameo, but I, for one, will tune in for it.

Homecoming

2010-02-25T06:53:00.000-08:00

Brooke English is back in Pine Valley, Erica is is full fighting form, and All My Children is almost watchable again. Hell, 2/24's episode was a lot more than just watchable. It was downright good. Strong, stroppy women are what good soap is all about, and no one does strong and stroppy better than Julia Barr and Susan Lucci. And the icing on this cake? Greenlee lives.

This homecoming doesn't have to be just Brooke and Greenlee's return to Pine Valley but, if there's any justice, a return to the tradition of great, engaging stories that AMC used to be known for. It's been a mess for a while, but hope springs eternal. There's a chance for this show, yet.